Well where do I begin, it’s been a long time since my last blog. As you know The creativity centre is open and my god we are run off our feet. It has been all go but I won’t complain as we need it to be. We have been successful in getting our message out that we are about children and adults of ALL abilities and we have all abilities participating in our classes.
You would think the smile on my face would be from ear to ear, that Id be beaming with pride and really feeling good about my self, well no, no I am not. You see its really hard work, it’s exhausting and eating into a lot of our time keeping us away from our husbands and children, this is killing me. To the point where I was ready to walk away and never walk back through the doors again.
Our dream of bringing our kids to work was shattered, it just was not working at all, we where gutted, really gutted. Childcare is now in place and costing us a fortune, considering we do not make a penny this is financially frustrating and emotionally upsetting us as we are missing them badly. I’m also being faced with a difficult question, am I running from my problems or am I so secure in myself that my children are just fine without me there 24/7 that I can leave and go to work. Truthfully, I think I’m running
I got Lunatic john’s results from the hospital, all clear so that was a huge stress laid to rest and a major relief. But with good news comes bad also. The doctor went over the history again of my 2 asd and adhd kiddies. He pointed out that Lunatic john is very loud and over hyperactive. He especially pointed it out to me after Lunatic john almost smashed his flat screen computer monitor and then broke his blood pressure thing (again) and as he was picking up all the stuff from his desk that Lunatic john flung off it. He explained that Lunatic john does not eat enough to burn off so there fore he is burning off his muscle tissue also. If he does not calm down and start gaining weight that he will need to be put on a special drink to help him gain weight. They are very concerned with the over hyper activity and have mentioned those lovely magic 4 letters, adhd and will bring him in and monitor him every 4 months. The squeal and loud shouting is also a behaviour associated with ADHD and spectrum disorders but they have completely ruled out asd. So yet again I am faced with more problems. They even said that they NEVER in a million years would even begin to mention adhd this early and never assume a child to have it but given the family history, the evidence before them that they would not patronise me and tell me anything but to not rule it out as they cannot either.
Great, just the news an already stressed out, exhausted, emotionally, physically and mentally drained mother wants/needs to hear, I think Dh is just praying that he grows out of these behaviours and he calms down and is just problem free, in my heart I am too, but in my well tuned brain, I know what’s coming in a few years, even my mother, the most in denial woman I know, is full aware that Lunatic john is very different to other babies she’s been around, there have been plenty. Assessment of need is looming, AGAIN. On a good note lol, mr fabulous also got results back from the hospital, ah yea, one hospital in Galway and the other in Dublin; I’ve been clocking up some mileage these days. Mr fabulous is cast free and will get away with one round of botox, thank god as those casts where like deadly weapons. Mr fabulous knocked me on conscious with those things during a playing session one morning, imagine if it was Lunatic john’s head, well actually mr fabulous probably could more than imagine it being Lunatic john’s head LOL So now, still no news on CRAZY JANE, still waiting for some service to take her, nothing, nada, nout. The poor child is still depressed, she’s struggling more and more with groups and is struggling with her confidence. One of her friend’s broke her heart a while back, she said some really hurtful things to her and she believes them and is hurt by them. Her friend told her that she is useless to her and is holding her back, the girl no more meant them and has a habit of venting with anger and lashing out but unfortunately Crazy jane is convinced that she is in fact useless and holding her friends back, it’s the literal thing, she just takes things to heart and cant really get past it. I know I have plenty more of situations like this to come. What if Crazy jane’s issues stand out more when she is older and she hears worse things than this, I am so afraid that she will just isolate herself from everyone and get severely depressed, she already at age 9 suffers mild bouts. I’m so worried and tormented by what is awaiting her as she gets older.
I’m trying to stay positive and keep my head in a good place but it’s hard, really hard. I have a lot of baggage with me that is really hard to leave behind. I have major guilt issues, failure issues, confidence issues, so much going on inside this head of mine that I have forced myself to come to realise that it is really time for some counselling. It’s something I’ve steered clear of for way too long. I have insomnia coming back and this is something I cannot go through again. I had it for a straight year a good few years back, it destroyed me, I really was miserable for that complete year. I tried every medication there was, nothing worked, I’m even now going to start taking melatonin as recommended by a good friend from face book, thanks Victoria xx
So that’s the story since my last blog. I’m missing all the face book gossip, blog’s and just the general goings on, I’m determined to log on more, blog more and read all my friends blog’s. It’s been ages since I had time to write and read blog’s. My husband has been amazing and so supportive. The kids are fed, bathed and the washing and drying is done by time I get home. But i am missing being home and missing my routine but i have a new routine to get used to and im figuring work arounds and going to start working a lot less hours so that will make all the difference.
11 comments:
Jen said...
Sorry to hear bringing the children with you to work didn't go well, that changes everything. I hope things begin to settle in for you hun. Have missed you around and about and looking forward to seeing more of you on FB when you can manage it, but take it easy on yourself first, everyone will still be here when you are ready :) Take care. Jen.
April 27, 2010 3:01 PM
sam said...
I know those feelings you are going thru coz I quite often go thru them because of Kieran but I can only imagine what it is like for you with the three of them,you could be in denial but your not and thats good your facing them head on and you have alot of support. Don't be afraid to call on me if you need me even if its just to come to the mill to sit on the sofas and have a chat and compare stories about crazy jane and kieran!!
April 28, 2010 1:52 AM
Foodie Mummy said...
I hope you get used to your new routine soon and you manage to get some sleep. Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves first in order to be able to take care of others. X
April 28, 2010 2:04 AM
Sandra M said...
I can't imagine how stressed, overtired and overwhelmed you have to be feeling all the time. Counselling should help but more important the melatonin should too. I hope things quieten down soon and you get some TLC time you absolutely deserve it xxx
April 28, 2010 9:25 AM
i said...
thanx guys
hi sam, anytime, you really are a great friend and we appreciate all your help and support and i do especially xx
now to do the fun stuff, bring on the horse riding :))
April 28, 2010 9:26 AM
Looking for Blue sky said...
Whoah, you always have sooo much going on, and so much to deal with, and so many worries about the future. I get that panicy Oh God here we go again feeling when you realise that another child is going to need help, but with luck, who knows he is so young, maybe he will grow out of it. My 9-year old is unrecognisable from the small child he once was. And Crazy jane? Well she is very clever, so isn't there hope that she can be taught all the stuff that she doesn't absorb naturally about social behaviour? I don't know, but that is what I am hoping for my son anyway. Great to have you back xxx
April 28, 2010 12:28 PM
Petunia said...
You must be exhausted! Seriously how do you manage to fit it all in?? Sorry to hear the insomnia is back, there seriously is nothing worse. Hope the melatonin works its magic for you chick xx
April 28, 2010 12:38 PM
Looking for Blue Scrazy jane said...
Just realised that some of my above comment might upset some people, but can't work out how to delete it! Very sorry if I caused offence to anyone...
At time like this I just want to stop commenting altogether until I remember how much I like getting comments.
April 29, 2010 1:29 AM
Jean said...
Great to see you writing again but wow, is your life at warp speed or what???
Hope you get a chance to have a break soon xxx
April 29, 2010 2:24 AM
i said...
Hey blue scrazy jane, your comment was in my opinion not offensive at all, I love comments too and I love especially to get comments from you as I respect you and your situation very very much, I would not be able to manage the way you do, hats off to you Hun, your amazining
everyone is entitled to their opinion, I value your opinion xxxxxxxxxx
April 29, 2010 8:22 AM
Irish Mammy said...
You have amazing energy that is all I can say! I am always amazed reading your posts. Award for you over at mine!
May 7, 2010 9:34 AM
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