Another blog crazy jane can’t read yet doh!
So as I cancel our holiday, loose 1700 euro in the process, send off an insurance claim to try get it back, appeal Crazy jane’s refusal for DCA to both social welfare and MEDICAL BOARD, apply for home tuition grant again for Mr fabulous, yes amidst all of that I ponder my recent state of health, mental and physical. What led me to want to end it all, that’s not me, I don’t quit, I don’t give up, im one of those irritating people that won’t go away, I don’t just walk away.
Let’s take a brief summery of the blogs and the last 14 years. A new very serious relationship, engagement, planning a baby, a glitch in the baby planning system, fast forward fertility investigation, embarrassing questions and tests, a mortgage and house purchase, a horrible pregnancy,
A new baby, ahhh she’s gorgeous, but she’s an insomniac, projectile vomiter, stubborn, chronic tantrum thrower, wilful, odd, fussy eater, hard to understand and so on and so on and so on and on
House sale, 2nd mortgage, new house, wedding, studying, work and a threatened miscarriage, news that your baby might have developmental problems, a section. Beautiful healthy baby boy, ahh there it is Autism suspicions.
Another mortgage, I sell up in Dublin and purchase a house in a county I know nothing about, autism suspicions put to rest, oh wait not more than 3 weeks later my son is diagnosed Autistic. The struggle for services, financial aid and all the stress Autism brings. Daughter cant settle in new county, has to change school as she felt threatened and terrified to go to school after a horrific experience, new school for the second time in 3 months.
An adoption course, plans made to add to our family in a few years time, oh no an unplanned pregnancy throws us in a spin. Were un prepared, scared shitless our new baby will also be born with problems due to crazy genetics.
Ah more blows, suspicions Crazy jane has intellectual problems, NEPS psychology assessment, raises suspicions of Asperger’s and Dyspraxia. A diagnosis of both follows. Crazy jane is undiagnosed of all, some dick psychologist decides to tell you you’re a useless parent who lets their child walk all over you, that she is defiant and oppositional but not in any way on the spectrum, orders you to do parent courses. Crazy jane has more problems in new school, you realise your living in a county that’s not for you. It’s everything Mr fabulous needs but it makes the rest of your family feel like crap.
My beautiful baby boy Lunatic john is born, he’s gorgeous and healthy. Were told he has webbed feet, you feel like shit because you stupidly never noticed it before. Mr fabulous hates every inch and breath of Lunatic john and refuses to have him near him; they are separated at all times fearing injury to Lunatic john. Im exhausted, Lunatic john is not the best of eaters, he does not sleep, my marriage is under duress from utter tiredness and endless stress.
I have a stupid argument with DH, I decide im leaving him, for no reason, just might make things easier on all of us all around, same day Crazy jane breaks her arm, our much longed for and badly needed holiday is cancelled. Im living in hospitals, clinics, resource centres and im just really fed up.
So why did I decide ending it all would be an easy way out, well my question is, who would’nt have. Why when you have a child or 2 and in some cases 4 on the spectrum do we have to endure such battles. Why isn’t the country you live in more supportive, why aren’t they throwing them selves at your mercy to help you? The MEDICAL BOARD our health system and our education system?? Because they simply don’t care enough to really understand your struggle, you are simply a number like every other on a very long waiting list, some lists are 3 to 4 years long. Why are they begrudging you benefits, education placements for your children? Were not looking for medals, but we are looking for help.
I started to feel like a massive failure. I couldn’t win, there was no end to the heart ache, the fight, I was covered from head to toe in the battle scars but I was hiding them. I tried to pretend I was ok, I was coping, and for a long time I was. I just got one blow to many and I just crumbled. I had been so strong for so many years. I had little dips of depression as I am an actual sufferer of the illness anyway. You see you learn how to cope with depression, you learn to spot the warning signs, the triggers, you learn to pick yourself up and get through it. But this time was different, no matter how much I tried to pick my self up I couldn’t, id be ok for a day or two and then thump, a new blow to put me back down in the tunnel and I was left trying to claw my way back through it.
Im still to this day not entirely recovered as since this blogs story there have been again endless blows, strain, worry, panic, and the day I found my son lying up against his bed and with the horror look of death on his face, again that part of the journey will be told and is on its way, but you see with children with special needs, this is it, this is your life, my experience may be different in ways, but it’s the same as every other mother and fathers journey through giving birth to a child 1 or 2 3 or 4 children with special needs.
7 comments:
Anonymous said...
Well done xx
11 minutes ago
January 3, 2010 12:56 PM
Jen said...
Well said, the support in this country is rubbish, its a constant battle and I can never understand why professionals don't believe what parents tell them, quite a lot of them don't. It can be very difficult to get a professional on side, something very wrong with that. We know our kids much better than they do, end of story. Not surprising you got so down in yourself, look at what you had to go through! I have huge admiration for you sharing it:) Jen
January 3, 2010 1:55 PM
Taz said...
well done for sharing this, i'm sure it will help many others xx
January 3, 2010 2:53 PM
Petunia said...
Wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will be all ok, but all I can say is that along with the other girls will be here to help and that you are not alone on your journey xxx
January 3, 2010 4:08 PM
Autimom said...
well done sharing everything, i often felt so down i couldnt breathe, you are such a strong woman....here`s 2010 is a better year xx
January 3, 2010 4:21 PM
Jean said...
Well done hun...your strength has been tested to the limit, and it would seem that nothing will break you now, no matter how low you get. Thank you for sharing with us that it is possible to survive the lowest of low points XXX
January 4, 2010 11:26 AM
Anonymous said...
love you hun, dont ever go there again
A xx
January 6, 2010 3:33 AM
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