Ok its 4.35 am, what the hell am I doing AWAKE. Well Lunatic john is asleep but it's Mr fabulous's turn tonight. Me thinks Mr fabulous is only processing now the fun he had with his fab tutor Fidelma in the park today, as it’s Mr fabulous and as he’s thumping around his room in fits of giggles, he’s allowed lol. I love to hear Mr fabulous giggling and happy no matter what time of the day or night it is.
As I’m laying here awake im pondering over a conversation I had with a dear friend today. You see we got talking about depression and the dark places it can take us. We also got talking about the dark places it took us to as she also suffers from severe depression. She asked me a question no one really dared to ask me before, this is allowed, it was a question I realise I owed an explanation to. Especially to the true and loyal followers of this blog. I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation but I do feel that I owe this blog its explanation.
Ok so you all know the lead up to that day, but WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
I felt a failure; I couldn’t win Dr Roger’s. He beat me down every turn and step I made. I was powerless against him. He held the key to everything Crazy jane needed and I could not turn it. He hounded my thoughts as he hit me where it hurt. Im thick skinned, it takes a lot to hurt me, but my kids and my parenting skills, now that really hurt. Was he right in his opinion, HELL NO but I was at an all time low, I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. I was at the edge, one gentle see breeze would have pushed me over, he was a hurricane.
I came to the conclusion that day that this was it; I was never going to win. I was watching my daughter struggle with this illness (and that’s the only name I have for it, it is an illness, it may not be curable but it is TREATABLE and will IMPROVE over the years with understanding, therapy, education and empathy) I could see more and more every day that she needed help I could no longer provide. I done a damn good job to get her this far and im proud of that, it was hard all round but we made it. Now thou it was time to get outside help, but WHERE? Well you would from Dr Rogers and his tailored service in this specialised field, but no not a chance in hell, you see don’t forget there is nothing wrong with Crazy jane in his eyes, yet 3 other medical professionals more qualified than him begged to differ.
So in my head this made sense. If I was to die, Crazy jane Mr fabulous and Lunatic john along with DH would be appointed a social worker, this super (in my head) social worker would then push and succeed in getting my kids all the help they needed. They would be looked after by a powerful force that Dr Rogers could not turn away. Crazy jane would get her therapy, her intervention, EVERYTHING. My kids would be better off in their care than mine.
Now in an ideal world that would make perfect sense and that would be how you would expect it to go down. But then I remembered, Social worker, em yea when you can manage to get hold of her/him. MEDICAL BOARD care, LOL don’t make me laugh, the MEDICAL BOARD is a disgrace, a massive failure to all on its waiting lists. Services, ah im almost hysterical with laughter, em no, lol services, you see then you’d be placed back on the queue that social services have, they couldn’t win argument never mind a court case, and Dr Roger’s, ah stop, he’d destroy them just the same as he destroyed me. So you see you really would think that a social worker meant something in this day and age, and you’d like to think they are, and some are great and really do get the job done, but most are not, as they too are fighting the same system as you and me. They are sometimes as powerless as you and me. Look at the New county case, the social workers tried for years to remove those kids, the courts ignored it. I don’t want to sound unfair towards social workers, as I said, some are great, and it’s the system failing them as much as it fails us. They cannot do their job because of this system either.
I love my kids so much and if me doing this for one minute could have made their lives better I would have done it hands down, but as I sat in my car that day I realised I am the only thing that can make their life better. I could have destroyed their life and my DH’s life further by doing what I stupidly taught could make their life better. Its mad how depression can make you think, can make you confused enough to do stupid things. If I had not of had that rethink im my car that day I dread to think of what more damage could have happened to my kids. Someone was looking down on us all that day and I have a fair idea who. You see this person although she died when I was just 4 weeks old; she’s been there a lot for me. I know who she is as there is an amazing story behind her death.
My Nanny was diagnosed with cancer and given weeks to live. My mum was pregnant early on me at the time; she hung on in until I was born. My mum and her mum became so close at that time; she was a strict mother who never really showed her kids affection. The day I came out of the hospital my nanny held me and cuddled me, She turned to my mother and gave her a huge hug and kiss, my mum said never in her life did she get this from her mum. My nanny told my mum, you did good girl and then she died 4 weeks later, she was never supposed to live to see me born but she did. I have always felt that she although I do not remember her is looking down on me. She has always been there and I can feel her around me. I believe that she made me re think my decision; she made me come to my senses and turn that car around.
I am not a coward, I know suicide is cowardly and an easy way out. But that’s not what it was about for me. I taught I could make my children’s life better and in an ideal world where the system worked I would have. It was a stupid decision and I realise that now but I would do ANYTHING for my kids and I would do anything to get them what they needed. I was not a coward I was being naive and trusting of the system. I am so glad I came to my senses but many do not. I was lucky.
I am still struggling for services for CRAZY JANE and I have never come across as many brick walls and deaf ears in my life. Even sign language wouldn’t work, although im not so sure the 2 finger salute is incorporated into the lamh sing language programme) it should be hehe. I’ll make sure to teach Mr fabulous that one.
Any way we will keep looking, pushing and begging for services and maybe someday before it is too late we will get something, anything is better than nothing. Im still waiting for my call back after my 100th message left on the speech and language department’s answering machine since before Xmas. What month we in, March, well maybe by June they’ll have returned my call. What a bunch of assholes, don’t get me started on the OT department. Isn’t it funny how they are getting away with this thou. And there is a loop hole in the system (yes that wonderful system) that is letting them
7 comments:
Looking for Blue Scrazy jane said...
Hey I, I don't have the words to respond to this - it is the ultimate indictment of the MEDICAL BOARD that their 'system' led you to believe that your kids might be better off without you. You are one fabulous Mum and an inspiration to so many. Oh and I have been up for a while listening to Smiley giggling in bed - I thought she was the only one who did this xx
March 12, 2010 10:58 PM
Jen said...
I totally understand that you love to hear Mr fabulous laugh, no matter what time of the day. HRH was up one night last week and we had great fun at 3.30 in the morning:) With regard to you thinking your family would be better off without you, I am so relieved that you realised this is not the case. Not only that but your FB family needs you too, very much hun. Services and brick walls in this country are shocking, to see your family treated this way infuriates me. Big hugs to all of you. Jen. xx
March 13, 2010 3:33 AM
Irish Mammy said...
It makes my blood boil reading this post, it really does. What is wrong with our health care system and its priorities? I can understand you have dark days when faced with such brick walls -- but never let the moods win. You are a fantastic mum and you have already fought so much, and are such an inspiration. Keep up the fight! xx
March 13, 2010 1:53 PM
Jean said...
yep I hear you, loud and clear hun. I'm so glad you still had the insight to pull back from the edge, but it's a horrible place to be. Hang in there xxx
March 14, 2010 2:41 PM
Andra said...
Glad you pulled back from that dark place and if ever you feel back there again you can come on here and get support and encouragement to keep going. xxx
March 14, 2010 2:58 PM
Petunia said...
Have nudged my toes out to the edge a few times and pulled back in over the years with the help of antidepressants and good friends. Hope you never feel that way again sweetie.
I live in Wexford and still remember well the day that Sharon Grace walked into the water with her two gorgeous little girls Mikahla and Abby ending all their lives. She had begged for help from the social workers and was turned away from Ely House as it was friday and the social worker didn't work weekends. She had packed cases for the girls with their stuff which was found at the waters edge. Another tragic case of not getting the help and services they so desperately needed. Heartbreaking xxx
March 15, 2010 9:45 AM
jazzygal said...
Don't know how to respond to this one I. All I can say is that I'm glad someone above was looking out for you that day and that you pulled yourself back.
It is appalling the power that the MEDICAL BOARD and this Government have and how much the lack of services can impact on us. It is so wrong, especially when it's been proven that the Therapies, when received in a timely fashion, are so effective.
That poor woman in Wexford Petunia...I remember it well. There were a number of cases around the same time. All let down by our Social Worker so called "Services".
You are a great mum I and you are EXACTLY what your children need. So stay strong missus! Hang in there. And like Andra says: we're all here.
March 18, 2010 2:58 PM
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