This will be a sad very life changing blog and one which Crazy jane will never read until she is much older. I really shouldn’t tell as much as I’m going to but its important to the story and will help others in some way maybe.
Phone calls fly back and forth between me and Mr George some pleasant some really not. He apologised for being so accusive and quick to judge me as a parent, I do the courses, I’m on my second session, the nurse asked me, Maddie, why are you here on these courses, you don't need them. Well I know that but Mr George begs to differ. I will talk to him and see if I can get through to him. I get a phone call 2 days later, course stopped, on my request Crazy jane is released from her medical team and sent back to Community Care in New county.
I’ve been really down and out and I’m so exhausted, even broke down in front of my friend Siobhan, she nearly died, oh god this isn’t you, you don't do this. You see I really can’t cope anymore, my tutor quit as small children was not her thing, and truthfully I hadn’t the energy to care. My self and DH at logger heads and very snappy, just pure exhaustion from the both of us. Stress was at its highest and I was crumbling underneath it all. I was slipping further and further into depression but trying to hide it and rise above it and pretend it was all fine.
I finally made a decision to get a private OT assessment done as my other assessment was off the record and private to me only. I rang a local OT private in New county, she’s lovely. She came to the house and saw a lot of Crazy jane’s problems. She’s not dyspraxic but her sensory profile was through the roof. She had problems very similar to a Dyspraxic child (can someone tell me what that means please grrrr) I show the report to my OT friend, Maddie that report is simply saying Dyspraxia but why aren’t they calling it that, he’s very frustrated with it all, well Hun , you should see it from my point of view.
One nice cold winter morning I am almost at Crazy jane's school, oh mum I forget my money for the circus, Jesus Crazy jane, I turn the car around and go home and get the money, Were at the school again, Crazy jane where is your bag, oh its at home, grrrrrrr JESUS CHRIST CRAZY JANE, IVE JUST BEEN HOME WHAT THE HELL CHILD. I start to shake, I’m frightening my self as I actually want to just drive my car into a wall, I banged my head off the steering wheel to release the pressure I could feel building up in side of me. I’m so scared that I will kill her or me or both. You see this is not a once off, this is daily with Crazy jane, she's clumsy, forgetful, ditzy, and just stubborn and wilful. My brother James say's a goldfish has a bigger attention span than Crazy jane lol. I drive home after I kick Crazy jane into school bag less. I drop Mr fabulous into his dad and I drive straight to my doctor. I haven’t much of a wait thank god, I tell her everything. (I swear that DR thinks that Crazy jane is just simply bold as brass) I ask her for a letter to help get Crazy jane bumped up MEDICAL BOARD's waiting list, sure it wouldn’t help Maddie, no letter. She puts me on efexor and tells me I need a holiday, more help with the kids, more time away from the kids, massages, etc etc etc. I ask her for a letter to help get Crazy jane’s DCA, nope no letter. I also never got the letter I requested to be sent to the Prof with all information she had on Crazy jane. The doctor told me I’m understandably at breaking point and I need to de stress my life. I need to take so much of my focus off Crazy jane as it is just too much for me to handle.
I drive home, but I miss my turn, I drive and drive, I think I want to just end it all, I simply just can't take any more, I’m on my fourth year of just stress and bad news. One more blow and I swear it will kill me. I come around and I realise its not really that bad, I have great kids, great husband, great friends, great family, and great support network. I’ll get through it, I’ve gotten through everything else so why not this. I make a decision to start horse riding again; it’s been years and years. I might even join back martial arts; it’s a passion of mine. I know I have to pull myself out of this depression as it’s not got a great ending. If I don’t try hard I’m a gonner. I made a decision that day to stop pushing for help with Crazy jane, I’ve managed this many years on my own I’ll manage some more. I just have to educate myself again as I did since she was a baby, it worked then, I can make it work again this time.
I log on and ask online about Aspergers, ODD, ADD, Dyspraxia, I made a decision to stick with the Profs Diagnosis and figure things out from it. DH is getting a bit pissed off with it all and agrees that we should just wing it our selves and figure it out. The stress is mounting daily as Mr fabulous and Lunatic john still cannot tolerate each other, the house is more hectic, the washing is ten times more, the mess is ten times more, and the tiredness is crippling,
We started one of our mornings with a nice fry up but I noticed Mr fabulous flapping his ear a lot and he had been up most of the night. I think Mr fabulous has an ear infection DH, I ring the Dr and get an appointment, It was for pretty much straight away so I left the house quickly and no time to clean the table. I get back and I tell DH that yes its an ear infection, Mr fabulous grabbed a BUTTER knife off the kitchen table, DH snapped, he just lost it, he started screaming at me, he flung his laptop across the table, he went mad. I went to hit him a box, he almost died, I really wanted to kill him. He started screaming that the house was always in a heap, Mr fabulous could have injured himself with the BUTTER knife, I started screaming all sorts back, oh how we diddnt kick lumps out of each other I’ll never know. I told him I was leaving him, I meant it too. I stormed out and looked in the local estate agents, there were houses for rent down the road, I’ll take it thank you. I was really leaving and all because of a BUTTER knife.
I brought Crazy jane horse riding later that day ( she owned her own pony stabled in New county) part of our argument was that this pony was bleeding us dry financially and taking up way too much time as New county was an hour from our house. Ten minutes into the lesson Crazy jane fell off screaming. She came over to me, I’ll get back up in a minute mum I’m just very sore, shed yelp in pain then settle again. Crazy jane I think we need to go to the hospital, no mum I’m fine, I’ll be grand I’m getting back up now in a minute, No Crazy jane hospital lets go. Ah yeah who broke her elbow on my watch , Crazy jane did, ON MY WATCH, the same day DH accused me of being irresponsible for letting Mr fabulous get hold of the BUTTER knife. OH GOD I have to make the phone call. DH I’m in New county hospital, Crazy jane fell off Snowy and broke her elbow. We finally get home and DH is really gutted for Crazy jane as she is in a lot of pain and is very upset about it. We get her into bed after ages of trying to get her clothes off. Were in the kitchen talking and we just burst into laughter, oh my god babes, how much more is going to be flung at us, DH calmly said, well you know we have to cancel the holiday to lanzarote now, ah there it us, there is the something else. Of coarse we do. It was in 5 weeks time, we talked for ages that night and both full of apologies and just admit that the stress is over powering us. I told DH I had priced a house as I was leaving, he simply said, I knew you would have. I’m very head strong and wilful myself, Crazy jane does not lick it off the ground, DH is the very same, were a perfect match for all the right and wrong reasons.
We finally decide to get Vilma in for a second day even thoe were financially stressed, I decide to sell snowy as DH is really pissed off that me and Crazy jane are gone every day and weekend to this pony and financially were struggling to keep her. We also made an agreement to fight more often, that might sound mad but you see we don't fight, that’s our problem. We let it go, ignore it, get over it but we never mention it. We have one big blow up or 2 every year and that’s it, we made a decision that if something is up we’ll discuss it there and then instead of storing it as ammunition for the yearly BLOW UP
14 comments:
Jen said...
I am so sorry it came to that stage for you, but so glad you shared it too. So many people get to that point and I hope they read this and get some of your courage. xxx Jen
January 2, 2010 1:10 PM
coolkid said...
ah thanx jen, i was never going to tell this part as ive kept it secret for such a long time, very few of even my closest friends knew. But its part of the story and i vowed to tell everything to Crazy janera, she wont read it now of corse but im getting it put into a book, il have 2 copies for her the one for now, and the one for when shes an adult xx it was too important to leave out.
January 2, 2010 1:23 PM
Anonymous said...
Maddy - what would ur kiddies have done without u and dhdo to battle for their corners. They are sure luccrazy jane to have u as a mammy and wife in their lives. U have gone to hell and back with the kiddies. Ur blog was wonderful to read. Its a real eye opener and reminded me of things that i went through with Paul. Keep up the great blogs and we will all look forward to heading them for u and be there for u if u need us. Hugs to u and the family.
3 minutes ago •
January 2, 2010 1:39 PM
claireh said...
ah maddy uv had so much on ur plate. Id say ur shattered after releasing it all but i bet ul feel all the better for it.
great, great blog as always and iv finally caught up
January 2, 2010 1:39 PM
Anonymous said...
Well done Hugs xx
3 minutes ago
January 2, 2010 1:39 PM
Petunia said...
Hey Maddy, just catching up with your blog now. Hope you are ok. Always seems like rubbing salt on a wound reliving the lowest points.
xx
January 2, 2010 1:51 PM
coolkid said...
hi petunia, to be honest i just read it back again and said it to dhdo about the butter knife, we giggled but its not funny i know and when i was typing about the dark moments i did get that lump in my throat but it really is like therapy i think. just now you all know my little secret lol. na im over it now so knew id be ok if i shared it, sure look , wait till you read whats next, my life is like one of those horrid soap operas like days of our lives, its almost unbelievable but its all true and all as crazy as it sounds. ive still to tell bout mr fabulouss seizure and everything lol
January 2, 2010 2:06 PM
Jean said...
It's mad how it's always the little things that finally make us snap..that car journey was your personal road to Damascus. XXX
January 2, 2010 2:21 PM
Andra said...
Sorry that you had to go through that Maddy, hopefully it will be something you don't have to go through again, keep the faith as they say. We all have dark days, I often think my life is like a soap opera too but I have come to realise others are in the same boat so it seems more normal now.
January 2, 2010 2:38 PM
Anonymous said...
Oh wow maddy, it's like im Reading About my own life and struggles .....hope 2010 is better hub xx
3 hours ago
January 2, 2010 5:16 PM
Taz said...
that must have been a hard one to write, hun. There are always low points on this journey of ours, hopefully we can be there for you if you ever hit another one xx
January 3, 2010 8:26 AM
jazzygal said...
That's a tough post Coolkid. Brought a tear to my eye I can tell you.
You're right though blogging about our experiences is indeed therapy and I do hope you feel a little better for sharing.
I don't think I'll EVER show WiiBoy my blog. I actually worry that he'll resent me for sharing our experiences. See I'm beginning to realise that they're not just my experiences they're his too and as he's getting older he has his own opinions and feelings to consider....xx Jazzy
January 3, 2010 12:04 PM
Anonymous said...
you need to move back to dublin so we can get through these days together
miss you and love you always
A xx
January 6, 2010 3:35 AM
Anonymous said...
Oh wow maddy, it's like im Reading About my own life and struggles .....hope 2010 is better hub xx
January 2 at 10:04pm
January 6, 2010 4:09 AM
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