Thursday, August 30, 2012

part 36 reality bites big time


So this should be the happiest time of my life, and it is bar one thing

My beautiful twins (who have no nick names yet) are here; they are beautiful, brilliant babies and give the biggest smiles every day, I cant stop looking at them and thinking how lucky I am as while the pregnancy sucked, it is one of the best things ive ever done in my life, all the joy a baby brings and I have it two times over

So what could possibly be wrong, were all overjoyed and happy aren’t we?

Well all but one, my poor Mr Fab is not one bit happy, he is so unhappy with the new arrivals that he is doing his utmost to get rid of the new arrivals.  If he sees them he launches into full attack mode or full escape from them mode with no sense of safety, i.e. climbing, pulling dragging, running you name it.
 
July wasn’t too so bad as twins came July 15th and luca had respite for the 3 weeks of their birth, also not without its drama, a promise made was not kept, I came home from hospital on Friday to be told on Saturday that there was no further respite for Mr Fab, when the twins where born they were a month premature and not doing too so good, constant weight loss so threats of special care baby unit and paediatrics where on going, they where to be admitted daily but somehow we managed to escape it, luckily as poor crazy Jane was not coping with me being away from home so much. As you can imagine Mr Fab being home under such stress and hospital visits, daily at one point was not an option, I had to fight and beg (as usual) for emergency respite as no where else for mr fab to be while we where so caught up in the hospital drama, we got it thank god but oh my god it was tough and stressful.

So we scraped through July but August near killed is, Mr Fab would go off on a dangerous self injuring melt down if either twins or lunatic john made the faintest of noises, as far as Mr fab was concerned this was his house and we where not welcome.

So in retaliation a constant stream of eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and argh was verbalised and volumised all day with no break till he fell asleep, and the smearing, constant shit smearing. He was not happy out with in home worker, out on trampoline, in the sitting room alone, or with his grand dad as company, he was not happy with his dad as company, he was not happy in his room, WHERE Mr Fab would you like to be so? As far away from home as humanly possible it seemed.  He was however happy at home once myself, twins, Crazy and Lunatic where gone for the day, funny that L

So what next for us, this conversation, and the dreaded conversation was had?

My husband and I came to the harsh reality that a decision we thought was WAY down the years was fast approaching.  Residential care for Mr Fab, noooooooooooooo over my dead body, but unfortunately it was more like my dead body would fast approach too, from exhaustion, sleep deprivation, attacks from Mr Fab, we are drained, hubby barely has co-ordination skills anymore as hes flat out fucked mentally and physically, im still mentally functioning (as I know I cant afford not to) but physically im dying, my body aches from tiredness and stress, im in so much pain still and im breaking down limb by limb.

What do we do, I wish I knew, I have two options unless more help comes FAST

  1. Move myself and 4 other children out of our family home so we can have a normal life and my children development and social skills is not stumped by being forced to live upstairs with me in my bedroom all day until Mr fab sleeps or is out of the house
  2. Put Mr Fab in full time residential care
Neither option a welcome or practical option, this is my baby boy, I fought tooth and nail to keep this child alive, I spent every waking minute with him to improve his autism as we where fortunate to know he was autistic at 6 weeks of age, and im supposed to let him go into the hands of someone else/? No I cant do that, he is my son, only me and his dad can love him like he needs to be loved, deserves to be loved, should be loved, I cant just give him up to strangers and an institution to be cared for, I can’t, but I also cannot move out of my home and take myself away from Mr fab and my husband whom I love to bits and take 4 children away from their dad who they love and adore, how can that even be an option, how cruel is that?

Life really sucks right now and im hanging on by a thread, and that’s only cause I too stubborn to let some pissy situation beat me, ill kill myself fighting for what I need and deserve, but at least id have died trying instead of lying there letting it beat me to death.

Why is life always dealing me a shitty shitty blow after giving me such a wonderful happy few hours, I am given the best to have it pulled off me and thrown around like it’s a nothing, my whole life has been a brief happy moment and then a life time of shittyness to follow it, how is that fair?

I give birth to crazy Jane, its wonderful, the best moment of my life, she’s perfect, but 18 months later, no she’s not perfect, she’s a disaster and continues to be

I give birth to Mr fab after a battle of 4 months of pregnancy to keep him alive, happiest moment is when the blood stopped, but wait, a dr tells me there could be something very wrong, and yes she was right, after 6 weeks of life we discover something is VERY wrong, but we get on with it, were happy/sad/happy/sad all through his development and continue on this way

Lunatic John, our biggest and most welcome surprise ever, hes perfect in every way, nothing is wrong, oh but it is, I barely remember his early years as 2 autism diagnoses, a prick psych referring us to social services cause he didn’t like me and my life literally got taken away from me for the first 2 years of his life. Luca hates lunatic john in every way, it was sooo tough

Finally were getting somewhere , were in a happy place, we plan another baby to be double surprised with twins, amazing, scary but amazing, our beautiful twins arrive and we cant believe our luck, it’s the most wonderful thing we’ve ever done, but now we have all this shit with Mr fabL  just give me a fucking break somebody please, im one person, you will kill me with all this heart ache you throw at me, and its not just since the kids, its been all through life, im really a good person who helps people and does good things, so why am I given this shit thrown back at me???

I really hope I get some help and support and my family don’t get ripped apart by this, we may be dysfunctional but were functional together