part 33 whats better than loving one daughter ?? well loving 2 of corse

Hi guys

Hi guys, it’s been so so long since I last blogged, been so so busy gallivanting and living a little.  I have had the best few months taking a break from being in the hole scratchers elite wrestling ring, and you know what, I bloody needed it.

I dragged my hubby and daughter crazy Jane off to Rome for a 4 day mini break.  We had a great time and actually got to do that thing I hear you all talk about, sleep, yes I slept, now I know why you all rave about it so much lol, it was as wonderful as you made it sound lol.

So over the last few months you know I won a major battle with the elite services regarding crazy, now I still have major battles ahead and have refreshed enough to start wrestling them again and giving it welly to a person or two and I actually cant wait to give it to them lol but I have also revisited decisions I made a few years ago.

Before Lunatic john was born I decided to fulfil a life long dream I’ve had since I was a very young girl, but then Lunatic John came along and put it in the not for now pile.  I have always regretted not having a child closer in age to Crazy Jane, I should have and was always the plan but she was just too hard to manage that introducing a child to either one of us would have been so unfair all round.  Before Lunatic was born I again wanted to add to our family but the surprise of being pregnant with him was enough to be taking on for that time. 

 I have decided to adopt a child from a country I have great friends from and great respect for Brazil.   I will of Corse be hoping to adopt a young girl aged between 7 and 9 years of age, why because I can get pregnant, I can have babies, I have had the good fortune of doing both, there are couples who cannot and a baby is the perfect age for them to adopt.  I on the other hand, have decided that I’m done with babies and toddlers; I have a lot of love to give and time to devote to an older child with the experience and training to support this age group.  My daughter will have a sister close to her age which she has always dreamed of and our family dynamic will not change, Crazy the oldest, our beautiful new addition the second oldest, Mr Fab the middle child and Lunatic the youngest, PERFECT.  I will also have my dream 4 children of 2 boys and 2 girls, again PERFECT.

Now of Corse, its not all perfect, as I have to do courses, be assessed and valuated, my personal, family and marriage life ripped to shreds by social workers to judge us, make the decision on if we can adopt for us blab bla and of Corse, just to add to the stress, the recent referral Doc Prick made to Social regarding me and Crazy will undoubtedly cause us no ends of stress, heart ache and just annoyance, but can I take it on, haha sure I can, its me after all.

So I’m off to Brazil to hand over all of my personal documents, cert’s, qualifications, bank details, photos, references etc in November to get ball rolling brazil side, sometimes it’s the country your adopting from who hold it all up and delay it, but I’m hoping to jump that gun at least, you know me, over organised and on the ball, it’s the only way to be lol

So that’s my news, I’m really looking forward to Brazil and dreading visiting their local children’s homes as I’ll find it hard to leave those children behind me and will probably try smuggle them all out lol but yea that will kill me, I’m not sure how prepared I am for this part of it all, I’m not one for leaving a pet shop empty handed, can you imagine a children’s home, It will kill me.

But in the mean time I’m learning all I can, preparing all I can, contacting all I can, and redesigning Crazy’s room to fit my 2 beautiful daughters, I know I’m going to have a 2/3 year wait for her, but I want everything to be perfect for when she is here with us.  Thankfully I have 2 cousins with adopted overseas children and there is adoption from my hubby’s side too so we are well prepared with a lot of support.

My friends and family are hugely supporting my decision and are excited about it all, especially my mum.  I have people so happy to write references for us and one came through the door this morning from a woman I hugely respect, it really said all I could wish to hear about myself  and my family in her reference and I am just overwhelmed by it,

And just in time, the winter vomiting bug has hit the house, lovely, a few pounds dropped for my hols without even trying and a good week before I fly out, bliss

But if only the room didn’t spin when I stood up and the loo wasn’t my best friend right now be even better, paracetamol and motilium anyone, I have plenty J)

part 32 my fabulous kids alive again

ALIVE AGAIN

In my last blog I sounded so down and out, even I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I was just on an all time low, WHY? I forgot how to live for a while I think.

I like my 3 kids have a mild disability, I have an actual diagnosis of ADD with ODD type behaviours (possibly had the disorder as a teenager but grew to control it but still got traits of it) I have a constant need to be out of my house doing something, my brain is permanently thinking of projects to get started on, some never completed but also never forgotten and some I do till the bitter end with amazing results.  I’m very driven and passionate about all I do and I never give up, this can be a god send but also a curse.

When I met DH almost 17 years ago we immediately fell in love, it was so quick, we where engaged after 4 months and buying our first house and planning our beautiful baby girl crazy Jane.  I would not change a thing to this day, my husband is the most amazing guy you could meet but we struggled to cope with each other’s ways, on paper we really should not work but we do.   He actually calmed me down and although we both have the need to argue our point to the death and we are both as stubborn as they come we work, but only through long battles and learning slowly over the years to compromise to finish the battle.  But he also recognised that I have an ability to do and succeed at anything I put my mind to, I only got this praise and encouragement from him as I did not get it as a child, through no fault of anyone only circumstances and hard life with all involved.  I don’t blame anyone I just recognise the issues and understand it, but this took years of trying. 

My husband is quiet and so laid back, I am hyperactive and impulsive; we are two very different people.  I have learned to respect the fact my husband is not a night clubbing, do something on a whim type of guy, and he has learned that I am LOL so in order for us to work he lets me do my thing and I let him do his thing, its just the way it is as neither one of us will ever change EVER lol There is a draw back as I always look like my marriage is in trouble at family weddings when he’s not with me or when he is and  its 2 am, I’m still wanting to carry on partying and he just wants his bed, lets just say his facial expressions tell all and hide nothing, I call him the hulk as you can see when he’s at his exploding limit.  But if I’m honest I wouldn’t change him as then we really just would not work otherwise.

Anyways for the last 13 years I’ve been fighting

RECAP: Met my hubby, mortgage application, baby making but no baby, tests, heart ache, struggles, new house, pregnant, horrid pregnancy, my gorgeous baby girl, hell as she is an insomniac, projectile vomiter, hyperactive head case, new house, play school probs with crazy Jane, she’s as odd as two left feet, grrrrrr still odd and so difficult, new mortgage almost killed us, Jane calmer but stranger, yay school, grrrr no not yay school but ugh school, problems raised, hard struggles with her, worried about her, wedding plan stress, wedding, new baby plans, some hitches, pregnant, threatened miscarriage, pregnancy issues raised, heart ache, beautiful baby Mr. fabulous, autism, county move and new mortgage, school issues for crazy, new school, still issues for crazy, Mr. fabulous diagnosed, hse enough said, and the rest as you all know its just been horrendous stress and never a let up EVER

I got trapped in problems, they consumed me, they took over my life, they where crushing me and near killing me.  I never stopped fighting or gave up but it damn near killed me.  I was dying slowly inside.  So many years of stress, heart ache, fears, worries, guilt, fighting, trauma, shock and depression that I can safely say I was dying inside. 

I NEED RESPITE so badly or I will be no use to anyone or anything, if I so much as drop my guard and give up, its game over for my kids, I cant and wont let this happen.  I will be fighting for my crazies for the rest of their lives and right now I need to fight for me first to get the strength to continue their fight.

So what am I going to do

Well on a whim I flew to Rome with another friend who is as mental as I used to be, we then went to Florence, Venice, Switzerland and to Milan and home.  Why because we could.  I felt alive again for a while, it was just about fun, being spontaneous, and stress free and I didn’t realise I needed it till I went.  I had a great time and it was just an adrenalin rush through and through.  I was gutted my husband wasn’t with me and I did miss my kids but realised more than ever that I needed the head space to reclaim my brain and train of taught so I could come home stronger to fight even harder for them.  I have also just booked an 11 day holiday to Brazil with the same nut job friend for just pure out and out adrenalin rush to just boost me up to keep going.  I am also going to book a nice calm holiday to Rome with my hubby and Crazy Jane as they will love it there and my poor hubby needs some out and out time as well, he refuses to acknowledge it and is plodding along every day but he too is in this same bubble and stress as me, ok he deals with it better but he’s the hulk, not superman, he needs to reboot him self as well. 

I am so blessed that I have a hubby who realised I needed this before I even did.  He had nothing but encouragement for me to do this and was just so happy for me to get the opportunity to do it, which to me says everything about my relationship with my husband, about the love we have for each other and about the trust and respect we have for each other.  We have been through hell that would separate the strongest of couples, but were still here, still in love and still as strong and happy as we ever where. 

I plan to make sure my family has memories of happiness as well as hard ships from now on, we will always have memories of the tough times, they get permanently stamped into you brain, you cant help but remember them, but the happy memories sometimes get lost and stored to the back of the pile, it should not be this way, and I plan to make sure from now on that the happy memories start taking over the miserable ones and soon push their way to the start of the pile.  My husband and kids deserve better and happier memories, and I plan to make sure they get them. 

So to my hubby, I love you and have never had a day where I didn’t love you, you are my everything and I couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t ever wish for anything more or less from you as you have given me everything in life I could ever wish for, but truly my kids are the best gift in my life so I need nothing more.  I just hope that I too can give to you all you have given to me and more, as you deserve it, you are amazing and I am so blessed to have found you, but I knew I loved you before I met you, and I really do think I dreamed you into life, just as our wedding song says lol

I am somewhat alive again; just a few more adrenalin rushes then god help all who stand in my kid’s way, I’m ready and waiting, bring it

Part 31 something old, something new, but feeling very blue

WHAM, BAM, WHAM

What?

Wham, Bam, smack, slap

WTF was that, YOUR LIFE that’s what.

Yep that sums it up, could almost end this blog there really.

What is wrong with me these days, something is just not right at the moment.  Im feeling overwhelmed, tired, grumpy, defeated and just worn out.

I should be on top of the moon, and hard to believe but im actually quite a positive person who just jumps to it and gets the job done, but at the moment, im feeling like im failing the most simple every day tasks.

Im under immense pressure and I have so many balls in the air that im dropping them one by one.  I really hope I start catching them soon as knowing my luck ill trip on one and do myself an injury lol.

I think im just coming to terms now with being so sick a while back, Mr Fabulous starting school so sudden, which was really just so quick that I don’t think I’ve even processed it yet and still fighting the Hole Scratchers Elite is exhausting, but im winning the fuckers so really I should be celebrating that fact.

The Mill is nearly finished, just putting the finishing touches to the retail part, the stock starting to come in so its looking great, but its been such hard work and I feel I let both Aine and Rachel down as I had been so sick when we where trying to get it all sorted.  Normally id work even if my head was hanging off but I just couldn’t function, I had never felt so tired and unwell in my life.  I also really did get a shock with the whole Mr fabulous thing, I mean I was expecting home tuition and plain sailing and I think I taught his tutor Fid would be with him for ever, I never expected to loose her or have to loose her, stupid I know but Mr Fab loved her, I loved her, she was such a great support to us and just such a lovely person.  She has a new job now and I know she will change the life of the little boy she’s going to work with; they are such a lucky family to have her with them.  Mr Fab is doing really well in school, I couldn’t be happier for him; he had no transition problems, no melt downs, nothing, just big smiles and working the charm on all his teachers, as Mr Fab does best.

I got great news regarding Crazy Jane, we after 2 and half years and 4 declined letters and 5 appeals, we have won our fight for entitlement to DCA.  Can you believe it, and I actually only sent the last letter and appeal in just to stick it to them, I was so nasty and in your face in that letter LOL and I really said how I felt in it.  I even told them id bring a child the same age as crazy with me, plonk them both in his office and play a game of spot the difference between a typical child and an Aspergers child, I was waiting for a “we are suing you for harassment letter” not a reversed decision and appeal approved letter.  I was in shock; I will frame that last letter LOL.  And thanks to my wonderful solicitor we have also been sent a letter considering  review of  service by the Hole Scratchers Elite, WOOHOO SO ITS ALL LOOKING REALLY GOOD.

So what could be wrong with me, fuck knows really, im just feeling really blue.  Im not depressed by any means but just low in myself.  I suppose Lunatic john is a main source to my problems.  The 21 months of fucked up sleep finally getting in on me lol, the fact that hyperactivity has already been confirmed at this early age, the fact that yes ill be fighting for him as well in few years, does it ever end really, what did I do in my former life ill never know to deserve this.  The financial pressure of 3 kids with very different needs, childcare costs, petrol, bills and all that jazz.  That cheque from DCA has never been more needed and I am escaping the madness with 2 long weekend holidays with a friend, no kids and a family trip to add to it.  I deserve it after all this fighting and abuse from Dr George (oh the day when I get to announce his real name, cant wait) I still haven’t heard from the social work department, I think they know them selves hes just a dick as ive heard since hes famous for referring innocent families there and they are just as sick of him as we are.  So that’s comforting.

Me and DH are two people and we are struggling.  We are exhausted mentally and physically.  Someone once said to me, how can you work with all you have going on, truth, it’s my escape, it’s my rest from it all, my break from it all, it’s my refuge from it all.  If I was an outsider looking in at my life, id have us all institutionalised and on Prozac drips in a padded cell, we are a psychologists dream, we are our own psychological experiment.  We are a nut house.  My working day may end at 5 but my living hell continues on where the working day left off lol.  My kids are the best kids and for all that’s going on with them they make Autism look so damn easy but if I fall behind, they do to, if im tired and cranky, they suffer, if im unwell, they get neglected, if im not home they have a substitute who loves them just as much as we do but it means they come flooding to me for me time as soon as I get home.  I miss being a stay at home mom but I miss my sanity even more, so working really is my best medicine.  Just brings with it added stress, tiredness and out and out madness.

I hope I get to a full nights sleep again some day, I hope I wont be downing double vodka’s praying to get so shit faced that I forget my own name for a while, I pray to god ill be me again some day, I vaguely remember me, I think there was a time in my life where I had no kids, I did not live in an autism bubble, and I was fun and alive, not half dead and grumpy.  My children are my world, but do they have to be my whole life as well?  Surely im allowed having some life of my own that does not revolve around them, this for me is the Mill, and it’s just all about me, and the future im building for them. 

 I don't eben know if this blog made sense but i do know its home im feeling right now

part 30 Decisions decisions scary decisions

What a few weeks it’s been. It’s been like a whirlwind. My head had just been spinning and spinning. All the crazy jane stuff aside, I now faced a new problem.

I was one of the many parents caught in the department’s new circular, and it was quite a sneaky circular too, very much on the down low, so much so that even organisations hadn’t been made aware till last minute.

I filled out the HT forms, sent them off expecting the usual department hassle they like to give you but this, this was mental. One night I got a phone call from the head of the organisation, form can’t be signed by the seno, as now mr fabulous is 4 so his options are special needs school, asd unit etc. WHAT I was speechless; I honestly did not know what to say as the news came after a string of other bad news blows. The organisation where just as baffled as me, surely they cannot expect a barely turned 4 years of age non verbal severe autistic child to start school, I just couldn’t get my head around it all.

The head of the organisation said leave this to me, il get back to you tomorrow, she too was shocked at how my child was going to be thrown into the deep end. I was too numb and just overwhelmed by bad news to really think straight. I had also been very unwell as I somehow bumped my thyroid into over active which played havoc on all my internal organs causing chronic fatigue and just reducing me to a coma type sleep at stupid hours of the day. I was in pain as the pressure was sore and I had a constant head ache from my blood pressure shooting too high to too low and my blood sugar kept dropping rapidly. I had never experienced anything quite like it, it was weird, I had to have bloods, tests and x rays all round me. I almost crashed my car one day from nearly collapsing behind the wheel.

I was so lucky to have help from my good friend Bruno, Mr Fabulous’s carer. He drove me where I needed to go and took care of the kids while I was too tired to function. I had to ring Mr Fabulous’s tutor to explain all to her which was horrible as she was on holidays and I was devastated at the tops of her not being with him again or moving forward with him as was part of our bigger plan. I taught id get HT till he was 5 and a half at the least and that he’d then be ready to mainstream slowly with his tutor as his sna which I had also arranged with the school I had in mind for him. I had it all so planned and taught out, that’s what I do, its how I cope, this threw me for 6.

We fought for HT hours and if not granted a place in an excellent ASD unit but it was 45 min drive from my house, im some woman but im not super woman, there was no way id manage that with my crazy life. We needed transport which department provide. Another blow, no transport as special needs school right beside me, HELL NO he isn’t going there, it’s a great place just not right now for Mr Fab. Ok letters and documentation as to why HT better option and why he cant go to local school. I got it all done and seno came to my house, the one day I needed my two boys to be their usual selves, they were best behaved. Ok Mr Fab took offence to the head of the organisation leaving her keys and cardigan on my mantle piece, they got flung, he took offence to so many people in his sitting room and became quite vocal sounding and proceeded to bang on the window continuously as if to say, there’s your car, now hop out to it.

The more I taught about the ASD unit the more it started to make sense. They are fantastic and the services are second to none. They have a huge reputation and they get results. Maybe I should let him go to this unit, maybe its just the kick up the arse he needs. What if it’s not tho, would he regress on me, he had started to since leaving his resource centre. I can’t risk that, home life is bad enough but could I handle Mr Fab to be even more of a challenge than he is? Oh god, everything felt right tho, my self and DH where constantly trying to figure things out. We’d have to move if no transport provided, ok let’s do it. Then something happened and I felt totally different, nope he can’t I said. DH said he was sure the ASD unit was the way to go. I can’t move tho, I just can’t, and what if regression starts, I can’t handle that especially as our circumstances will change rapidly in December, my DH shall have to work in Dublin and not from home anymore. I will be on my own 5 days’s a week with three very dependant children. I just can’t move or risk it.

More news, transport of some kind would be granted as local school has no place to suit him, great, also HT was granted and ASD granted, pick one. Oh god, you’re just kidding me, I won both fights and still had to make this horrible life changing decision. This decision did not just affect Mr Fab’s life but ours too. I had to make the right decision for him that, was priority. I spoke with his amazing tutor, she also agreed with DH, ASD unit best option, if I didn’t take the place this year it was not an option next year as place already filled for next year, GULP, I rang petunia, what do I do, advice in favour of ASD unit also, this was it, decision made, ASD unit it is.

I went to see the school a few times and timed the journey, ITS long 45mins long. I got into see it on the 31st of August and Mr Fab was welcome to start September 1st.

Just like that, no issues, no we’ll get back to you, nothing just welcome aboard, Im a wonderful principle, I’ll accommodate you and your child anyway I can, its all about what works best for him, you and your family, GULP, I was just shocked. Transport forms filled out, he even invited Crazy Jane to their July prov 2011 and told her she could come to his school if she wanted, to which Crazy Jane gave great consideration and is still considering. Ah they have a special shared hobby herself and the principle, horses and ponies. They clicked right from the get go. He was showing her his connemara ponies on his phone, she was showing him snowy on my phone, they were discussing breeds, and all sorts. He brings his ponies to the summer camp you see, Crazy jane in heaven.

Mr fab is just in the best place ever. He loves the school, teachers, the big open wide spaced classroom, the sensory room, gross motor room, the playground they have is fantastic and its always available to them. Mr Fab needs to get up and run it off every couple of mins and he has the freedome to do that, he also loves to work and he has his own partition’d off table to work one to one. I couldn’t be happier for him as the smile on his face says it all. I will miss Fid his tutor but we are keeping in touch so that’s great. She even went in this week to help them settle him in. Mr Fab will remain with the organisation for life due to his IQ score and ID outcome of his cognitive assessment which will be done very soon, that’s a major relief to me as they are a godsend and without them I’d be just lost, their support and services are second to none and their always there for me and Mr Fab, they have never let me down the entire time we have been with them. I am forever grateful to them.

Other news is just the usual crap. Lunatic John has been diagnosed with hyperactivity at the age of 20 month’s, nothing I was’nt expecting, under observation every 4 months still, he gained a massive (sarcasm) kilo and a half in 4 months LOL. That’s good going for him especially since he had yet another antibiotic and trots from it.

Crazy jane is doing the best in a long time. Freedom has definitely been the best move forward with her. She’s loving being able to go to the next estate to her friend and the local shops and pool. Im really impressed with her maturity level. She’s such a careful and law abiding child, she doesn’t get it from me and that’s for sure. I know I can trust her with this new found freedom so that’s a huge help, plus the fact that she gives me a late night chat about every SINGLE thing she did, nothing left out and I mean nothing. She’s growing too fast, she only 10 but she looks 14 sometimes, especially if she has make up on which is her new passion. She’s been into clothes for a good while now. At last we have removed her from tracksuits and jeans, she wears skirts, dresses, and pretty shoes lol, not just uggs and tracky’s. She really is a stunner of a child and she has the best heart you could ever want your child to have.

We have been back and forward to the Hole Scratching Elite with letters, they actually have the neck to be snotty in their letter’s their sending back, they shit themselves recently when a very official letter went out to them, let’s just say they copped it was a solicitor’s letter and not just a letter from me, well their attitude changed rapid, oh Mrs Maddy, we are so happy to offer your daughter a review with aim to new assessment and review of services. They make me sick, so here’s hoping something good happens, probably get another dick head saying no she has traits but not actual condition blab la but at least shell get services with it of some kind, we will be reviewed in another county with new psych. We have also sent to ombudsman etc so maybe ever a benefit or two if im lucky, would be nice, especially now as im paying out all round me for private services.

HERES HOPEING
But it’s looking good, long may it last

PS if you where a follower of the blog when at it’s last home could you click follow again, its looking lonely LOL

Part 29, onwards and upwars i hope

The fabulous Mr fabulous, is just that FABULOUS
Today mr fabulous tried something for the first time ever, PASTA WITH SAUCE, was so shocked, I doubt he’ll revisit this moment of madness but was just great all the same.

He is after taking a major stretch and he’s just a whole new child. His interaction is fantastic and his non verbal methods of communication are so clear and visible. He really has amazed me with his new found devilment streak as well. He will do anything for devilment, he loves when I have to run after him to grab something off him or chase him for getting dressed. He is so capable now as well, he’s becoming very independent and interested. He is even starting to tolerate Lunatic john so much more. I have Mr fabulouss tutor Fid and my dear friend Bruno mr fabulous’s therapist to thank for a lot of this. They work so hard with mr fabulous that it’s really showing and paying off. DH, Crazy jane and I will take a little bit of credit of coarse but just a little lol. Now if they could rid me of my crazy artist mr fabulous who paints with shite (no really, shite) I would be so delighted lol.

Lunatic john is still the same lunatic as ever, that child will put me in an early grave I swear. He’s so funny, just so smart, cheeky and energetic. He has us exhausted and his tantrums are horrific but he’s just so damn cute. He walks around the house with the car keys babbling away to him self in Portuguese (Brazilian) and English, add in baby babble and we have www.confusedmamanddad.com we never know what he’s on about but he’s just so funny.

Crazy jane is becoming soo grown up it’s scary. She’s ten going on 14. She went to the cinema to see eclipse (twilight) and she looked amazing all done up in her black dress, denim jacked, perfect hair and make up. I really just had to stop and look at her; she was soo beautiful and just older than her years. I always knew shed be so much more mature in her age than most as I could see the build up to it, I suppose when your telling the world at the age of 4 you want to wear thongs and bras you got to wonder.

I have spent the last few weeks in misery, so much so that I struggled to even get out of bed but I did something on the 6th of July that ill never be more grateful for, go me yay. I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF. I still shed the odd tear when I speak of Dr Rogers and what he has done to me, ok so floods of tears, I lied, but it’s reducing every day. I can’t go into too much detail but most of my blog followers from face book know what I did, maybe in a few months I can go into more detail here.

My birthday brought a lot of different emotions with it. I actually wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening and that it was months away, not because of my age (I’m still the baby) but because of my frame of mind. Life was really bad and I just wanted to fall down a big hole and stay there to be honest. But DH and CRAZY JANE really made it a special day and CRAZY JANE my friend Sam and I went horse riding and I loved it. I was soo happy I didn’t let my depression take my birthday away.

I’m slowly starting to get back to my old self and feeling more positive and good again, it was so bad there for a while. I’m exhausted from all the stress, work and negative thinking that I let it suck me under, I even started to eat soo much crap for comfort and now I’m huge, I have so much weight to loose, I feel soo different and negative about my appearance, I’m even paranoid to wear most of my clothes.

I’m determined to loose this weight and get my backside back in motion. I was recently studying psychology and Child Psychology and gave up through the diagnosis and pregnancy period but I re enrolled and I’m due to start back very soon, I cannot wait as my brain is starting to cry out for me to use it again. I think being around my friend who is a Psychologist/Psychiatrist and our debates and long chats and advice to each other has really made me crave to study again. DH has also been at me for the last year to return to my studies as he knew I needed it. DH is freaky that way; he can read me like a book even when I can’t read my own self.

I got some great news today which has me so relieved and just so happy. A major bill which I hadn’t received but was aware it was coming was cut dramatically down to a third, this is just fantastic news as since having to buy the new car and employ a therapist for Crazy jane and Mr fabulous I’m struggling financially and it’s really hard to make ends meet. I can’t do half the things I used to and take the kids half the places we used to go, even horse riding has had to take a back seat and it’s really the pits. But it will all be worth it I hope in the long run and I know I’m spending my money on vital services for my kids that the state refuses to provide and that makes it easier. Let me hear ya, HOLLER we want DCA, DCA, god I really hope some miracle happens and I get CRAZY JANE’s awarded to me as I really NEED it, fingers crossed, ill keep yee all posted xx and again, thanks for all the support, believing in me and standing up for me, ill never forget it xxxx

Posted by i at 1:47 PM

4 comments:

Jen said...

Delighted to see you on the up hun, such a relief. Sounds like the children are flying along too. Lovely to catch up, thanks for the update:) Jen

July 22, 2010 1:58 PM

Casdok said...

Sounds like you have had a lot on your plate, so good to hear you are begining to feel your old self.

July 23, 2010 12:19 AM

Anonymous said...

great blog maddy, so glad things are looking up for you.

July 23, 2010 12:32 PM

Looking for Blue Sky said...

Hey Maddy, how about going with that website www.confusedmamanddad.com? I like the sound of it! Great to hear that so many things are looking better: I feel really energised after reading this post, not usual for me on a Friday night xx

July 23, 2010 2:00 PM

part 28 what the hell is happening here

Hi all, it’s been a while I know but for a reason, life has been hell lately, so hell that no energy to think let alone tell its story.

Ok so WHAT NOW??

The recent letter from Doctor Rogers I have told the majority of you anyway but for those I didn’t tell, well the spineless son of a bitch done something very nasty. So nasty it’s scary actually. This man chose to start war and boy he sunk to his lowest blow yet. What the fuck is his problem, seriously, I don’t get him, I always said he should not be a psychiatrist but yet seek psychiatry for his own mental issues but his latest blow just proves how right I am.

He gathered a handful of people who never met me, or else barely had a conversation with me, hell one was a school nurse who done an eye and vision test on Crazy jane once to a meeting and manipulated them into making a nasty decision about me and Crazy jane, again I cannot say much as I know the DICKHEAD reads this blog but he was vicious. he wasted a lot of Medical resources for this meeting, yes our kids had to be put on hold so he could perform his evil, a dca officer, an area medical officer, an area medical doctor, a school nurse, a speech and language manager, a speech and language therapist, and someone else I again DO NOT KNOW to a meeting. Now his concern as he states was the welfare of my daughter, hmmmmmmm and our relationship, huh, ok let me revise.

These people never met me or my daughter, they do not know us nor have a reason to be in our life. I maybe spoke once on the phone to arrange assessment, I think she had 3 sessions of s&l therapy and was told she wouldn’t get any more due to Asperger’s diagnosis as she was now Dr Rogers problem again. A dca officer, well don’t we all know them and yes I had to beg for money from her, DENIED the area medical doctor who referred her for NEPS Psychology to begin with yada yads bla bla

So does that qualify them to know me and my daughter, our relationship, our family life and struggles , fuck no it does not, these people have jobs to do yet they chose to come to this meeting, FOR WHAT cause they where dragged to it. Isn’t it funny how they never invited S***s Psych, you know the one who carried out her Cognitive Psych assessment, the S***s OT and Speech and language therapist, you know the ones who carried out the MULTI D to diagnose Asperger’s. Isn’t it funny how he had all of Crazy jane’s reports at his finger tips yet he never chose to bring the 3 OT ‘s who assessed her to the meeting, the 3 Speech and Language therapists who assessed her to the meeting, the other 2 psychologists to the meeting, the NEPS Psychologist who originally suspected Asperger’s to the meeting, My social Worker from Mr fabulous’s services (you know the family social worker) crazy jane’s teachers / Principle to the meeting

Yea taught that would amaze you, as it sure as hell amazed me too.

The conclusion: we are now referred to Social Services as he fears for Crazy jane’s emotional well being due to her relationship with me, Have you ever heard such a load of bullshit in your life. That child is the best looked after; her needs are met by me daily as she has no services here due to his irresponsible way of thinking, so I am her services, S&L OT Psych etc. I am BROKE trying to keep her entertained, educated, stimulated. I Joined forces with 2 other woman and created The Creativity Mill as I saw it as an opportunity to compliment both Mr fabulous’s and Crazy jane’s therapies, educational needs, occupational therapy needs, social interaction needs, entertainment needs, emotional well being needs, everything. Crazy jane participates in summer camps, art classes, Saturday club, and Glee club everything. She is the happiest she has been in such a long time. I have employed a psychologist to work with both Crazy jane and Mr fabulous just to make sure they have the best of all their needs met. I’m broke as I volunteer my time to The Creativity Mill, I do not get paid. I am putting my heart and soul into everything I can for MY KIDS, I have no life, as my life is my kids. I’m run ragged trying to devote my time, love, affection and attention between 3 very high needs and dependant children. I’m financially fucked as every penny I have goes on my 3 children. I’m physically and mentally exhausted DAILY making sure my kids are looked after, entertained, fed, bathed, their therapies are done, their appointments are scheduled, I have childcare so I can attend their appointments yada yada and this is the praise and thanks I get.

I have no problem printing this on the web either as anyone who knows me knows all to well that what he’s trying to do is bollix. I know in my heart that I am a great mother and I never prioritise anything above my children. Even my life and happiness comes second to my children’s. I am a great mother who is run ragged trying to fight this poxy system to make sure her children are given everything they are entitled to, it seems to me the more you fight the harder you fall, at least it is with me. I’m sick of fighting, I’m sick of filling in applications, I’m sick of praying my kids will get stuff they should be getting, I’m sick of worrying about the future, I’m sick of needing to keep a diary so I can remember all of my appointments and arrangements. I’m sick of having to plan 3 months in advance for EVERYTHING. Can someone tell me does this get easier, does it settle down eventually? I’m sick to death or trying to be so in control of my life as my kids need me to be. I’m sick of trying to keep everyone happy and splitting my self in 3 so that each child has the same amount of my time love affection and attention.

I am so angry that this son of a bitch has the power to hurt me the way he does. I could seriously physically hurt him but id be arrested but yet he gets to torture, emotionally and mentally abuse me like this and gets away with it. He gets to waste all of these medical professionals’ time and resources and gets away with it and all of those kids who need those resources get pushed aside for this. And now he is going to waste social services time, all those poor children who need social services and he is pushing them aside just to hurt me. There is a fine and punishment for people who make stupid calls to Social services, will he be punished and fined also, you bet your ass he won’t. New county abuse case anyone, does he not recall this case and see that social services have better things to be doing. ASSHOLE

I cannot wait for them to call to my house, see the chaos, the constant cleaning, the constant whinging for my attention, the amount of safety measures it takes to get through one day, tellies screwed to the wall, bed screwed to the floor, high fences to stop escape, blocked chimneys, stair gates, pecs cards, blocked off hobs, time schedules, calendar dates highlighted everywhere, daily time schedules, yes come to my house and maybe they will see that I actually need more help to cope with it all and realise that Dr Rogers was being a dickhead and give him hefty talking to and fine for wasting resources.

BRING IT you sick and twisted evil little man

7 comments:

Foodie Mummy said...

So sorry to hear about that! Is there no kind of complaint system in place? Are you not entitled to get second opinions anymore? If all those women that were told their babies were dead hadn't gone and gotten second opinions, they would never have had their children. What kind of country is this? One doctor that is so sure of his diagnosis that he'll bulldoze everything in his way to make it stand? That's just ridiculous. You are such a brave woman, taking on everything you take on and having to deal with such crap. I know it's hard but keep on fighting! If there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to let me know! X

June 28, 2010 4:38 AM

Jen said...

I know I knew about this but it still shocks me that one person can be so vindictive and unprofessional. Keep going hun, you and you children are worth the battle one hundred times over and if ever there is anything I can do then you know where I am. Big hugs Jen xxx

June 28, 2010 7:46 AM

i said...

thanks girls, im just angry and hurt. it makes me feel worthless and that no matter what i do its just not good enough, i feel like i can never win, and having to cope with this on top of every day stuff and people and stupid carry on just makes me crumble to the pressure

im fighting still but at my own expense, im also at breaking point but thank you for the support, it means the world xxx

il get through it as i have all you fb buddies and great friends to help me

June 28, 2010 11:07 AM

Looking for Blue Sky said...

You are good enough, more than good enough, but there are some people who always enjoy a power trip and what better way than turning the screws on a family that is already stretched to the limit. Keep on fighting: I got there in the end with Smiley and hopefully you will as well xxx

June 28, 2010 2:32 PM

Petunia said...

Hang in there chick, he's definitely on a power trip and being vindictive. Anyone who knows you know this. Keep on fighting and know that we are behind you xxx

June 29, 2010 2:32 PM

jazzygal said...

You are worth a lot more than this Maddy! I knew about this too but like Jen says, it's shocking to see it detailed like this.

I'm inclined to go with the second opinion option, like Foodie Mummy says. Also, the MEDICAL BOARD have complaints procedures in place if you're not happy with the treatment you have received... most organisations do. Maybe you could examine that, get some advice and maybe make a pre-emptive strike ;-)

Yea...I know...ANOTHER battle. Such a pain!

Best of luck with it....repeat after me : I am a great mum.... I am a great mum....!

xx Jazzy

June 29, 2010 3:33 PM

Momx3 said...

OMG Maddy, I didn't realise you were going through all this. I've not had time to read any of the blogs for a while now, sorry!

Keep your head held high hunny. Its an absolute disgrace that you have to face all this on top of looking after your family.

Big hugs,xxx Vicki

July 3, 2010 3:33 AM

Part 27, long time no typing

Well where do I begin, it’s been a long time since my last blog. As you know The creativity centre is open and my god we are run off our feet. It has been all go but I won’t complain as we need it to be. We have been successful in getting our message out that we are about children and adults of ALL abilities and we have all abilities participating in our classes.

You would think the smile on my face would be from ear to ear, that Id be beaming with pride and really feeling good about my self, well no, no I am not. You see its really hard work, it’s exhausting and eating into a lot of our time keeping us away from our husbands and children, this is killing me. To the point where I was ready to walk away and never walk back through the doors again.

Our dream of bringing our kids to work was shattered, it just was not working at all, we where gutted, really gutted. Childcare is now in place and costing us a fortune, considering we do not make a penny this is financially frustrating and emotionally upsetting us as we are missing them badly. I’m also being faced with a difficult question, am I running from my problems or am I so secure in myself that my children are just fine without me there 24/7 that I can leave and go to work. Truthfully, I think I’m running

I got Lunatic john’s results from the hospital, all clear so that was a huge stress laid to rest and a major relief. But with good news comes bad also. The doctor went over the history again of my 2 asd and adhd kiddies. He pointed out that Lunatic john is very loud and over hyperactive. He especially pointed it out to me after Lunatic john almost smashed his flat screen computer monitor and then broke his blood pressure thing (again) and as he was picking up all the stuff from his desk that Lunatic john flung off it. He explained that Lunatic john does not eat enough to burn off so there fore he is burning off his muscle tissue also. If he does not calm down and start gaining weight that he will need to be put on a special drink to help him gain weight. They are very concerned with the over hyper activity and have mentioned those lovely magic 4 letters, adhd and will bring him in and monitor him every 4 months. The squeal and loud shouting is also a behaviour associated with ADHD and spectrum disorders but they have completely ruled out asd. So yet again I am faced with more problems. They even said that they NEVER in a million years would even begin to mention adhd this early and never assume a child to have it but given the family history, the evidence before them that they would not patronise me and tell me anything but to not rule it out as they cannot either.

Great, just the news an already stressed out, exhausted, emotionally, physically and mentally drained mother wants/needs to hear, I think Dh is just praying that he grows out of these behaviours and he calms down and is just problem free, in my heart I am too, but in my well tuned brain, I know what’s coming in a few years, even my mother, the most in denial woman I know, is full aware that Lunatic john is very different to other babies she’s been around, there have been plenty. Assessment of need is looming, AGAIN. On a good note lol, mr fabulous also got results back from the hospital, ah yea, one hospital in Galway and the other in Dublin; I’ve been clocking up some mileage these days. Mr fabulous is cast free and will get away with one round of botox, thank god as those casts where like deadly weapons. Mr fabulous knocked me on conscious with those things during a playing session one morning, imagine if it was Lunatic john’s head, well actually mr fabulous probably could more than imagine it being Lunatic john’s head LOL So now, still no news on CRAZY JANE, still waiting for some service to take her, nothing, nada, nout. The poor child is still depressed, she’s struggling more and more with groups and is struggling with her confidence. One of her friend’s broke her heart a while back, she said some really hurtful things to her and she believes them and is hurt by them. Her friend told her that she is useless to her and is holding her back, the girl no more meant them and has a habit of venting with anger and lashing out but unfortunately Crazy jane is convinced that she is in fact useless and holding her friends back, it’s the literal thing, she just takes things to heart and cant really get past it. I know I have plenty more of situations like this to come. What if Crazy jane’s issues stand out more when she is older and she hears worse things than this, I am so afraid that she will just isolate herself from everyone and get severely depressed, she already at age 9 suffers mild bouts. I’m so worried and tormented by what is awaiting her as she gets older.

I’m trying to stay positive and keep my head in a good place but it’s hard, really hard. I have a lot of baggage with me that is really hard to leave behind. I have major guilt issues, failure issues, confidence issues, so much going on inside this head of mine that I have forced myself to come to realise that it is really time for some counselling. It’s something I’ve steered clear of for way too long. I have insomnia coming back and this is something I cannot go through again. I had it for a straight year a good few years back, it destroyed me, I really was miserable for that complete year. I tried every medication there was, nothing worked, I’m even now going to start taking melatonin as recommended by a good friend from face book, thanks Victoria xx

So that’s the story since my last blog. I’m missing all the face book gossip, blog’s and just the general goings on, I’m determined to log on more, blog more and read all my friends blog’s. It’s been ages since I had time to write and read blog’s. My husband has been amazing and so supportive. The kids are fed, bathed and the washing and drying is done by time I get home. But i am missing being home and missing my routine but i have a new routine to get used to and im figuring work arounds and going to start working a lot less hours so that will make all the difference.

11 comments:

Jen said...

Sorry to hear bringing the children with you to work didn't go well, that changes everything. I hope things begin to settle in for you hun. Have missed you around and about and looking forward to seeing more of you on FB when you can manage it, but take it easy on yourself first, everyone will still be here when you are ready :) Take care. Jen.

April 27, 2010 3:01 PM

sam said...

I know those feelings you are going thru coz I quite often go thru them because of Kieran but I can only imagine what it is like for you with the three of them,you could be in denial but your not and thats good your facing them head on and you have alot of support. Don't be afraid to call on me if you need me even if its just to come to the mill to sit on the sofas and have a chat and compare stories about crazy jane and kieran!!

April 28, 2010 1:52 AM

Foodie Mummy said...

I hope you get used to your new routine soon and you manage to get some sleep. Sometimes we need to take care of ourselves first in order to be able to take care of others. X

April 28, 2010 2:04 AM

Sandra M said...

I can't imagine how stressed, overtired and overwhelmed you have to be feeling all the time. Counselling should help but more important the melatonin should too. I hope things quieten down soon and you get some TLC time you absolutely deserve it xxx

April 28, 2010 9:25 AM

i said...

thanx guys

hi sam, anytime, you really are a great friend and we appreciate all your help and support and i do especially xx

now to do the fun stuff, bring on the horse riding :))

April 28, 2010 9:26 AM

Looking for Blue sky said...

Whoah, you always have sooo much going on, and so much to deal with, and so many worries about the future. I get that panicy Oh God here we go again feeling when you realise that another child is going to need help, but with luck, who knows he is so young, maybe he will grow out of it. My 9-year old is unrecognisable from the small child he once was. And Crazy jane? Well she is very clever, so isn't there hope that she can be taught all the stuff that she doesn't absorb naturally about social behaviour? I don't know, but that is what I am hoping for my son anyway. Great to have you back xxx

April 28, 2010 12:28 PM

Petunia said...

You must be exhausted! Seriously how do you manage to fit it all in?? Sorry to hear the insomnia is back, there seriously is nothing worse. Hope the melatonin works its magic for you chick xx

April 28, 2010 12:38 PM

Looking for Blue Scrazy jane said...

Just realised that some of my above comment might upset some people, but can't work out how to delete it! Very sorry if I caused offence to anyone...

At time like this I just want to stop commenting altogether until I remember how much I like getting comments.

April 29, 2010 1:29 AM

Jean said...

Great to see you writing again but wow, is your life at warp speed or what???

Hope you get a chance to have a break soon xxx

April 29, 2010 2:24 AM

i said...

Hey blue scrazy jane, your comment was in my opinion not offensive at all, I love comments too and I love especially to get comments from you as I respect you and your situation very very much, I would not be able to manage the way you do, hats off to you Hun, your amazining

everyone is entitled to their opinion, I value your opinion xxxxxxxxxx

April 29, 2010 8:22 AM

Irish Mammy said...

You have amazing energy that is all I can say! I am always amazed reading your posts. Award for you over at mine!

May 7, 2010 9:34 AM