Part 31 something old, something new, but feeling very blue

WHAM, BAM, WHAM

What?

Wham, Bam, smack, slap

WTF was that, YOUR LIFE that’s what.

Yep that sums it up, could almost end this blog there really.

What is wrong with me these days, something is just not right at the moment.  Im feeling overwhelmed, tired, grumpy, defeated and just worn out.

I should be on top of the moon, and hard to believe but im actually quite a positive person who just jumps to it and gets the job done, but at the moment, im feeling like im failing the most simple every day tasks.

Im under immense pressure and I have so many balls in the air that im dropping them one by one.  I really hope I start catching them soon as knowing my luck ill trip on one and do myself an injury lol.

I think im just coming to terms now with being so sick a while back, Mr Fabulous starting school so sudden, which was really just so quick that I don’t think I’ve even processed it yet and still fighting the Hole Scratchers Elite is exhausting, but im winning the fuckers so really I should be celebrating that fact.

The Mill is nearly finished, just putting the finishing touches to the retail part, the stock starting to come in so its looking great, but its been such hard work and I feel I let both Aine and Rachel down as I had been so sick when we where trying to get it all sorted.  Normally id work even if my head was hanging off but I just couldn’t function, I had never felt so tired and unwell in my life.  I also really did get a shock with the whole Mr fabulous thing, I mean I was expecting home tuition and plain sailing and I think I taught his tutor Fid would be with him for ever, I never expected to loose her or have to loose her, stupid I know but Mr Fab loved her, I loved her, she was such a great support to us and just such a lovely person.  She has a new job now and I know she will change the life of the little boy she’s going to work with; they are such a lucky family to have her with them.  Mr Fab is doing really well in school, I couldn’t be happier for him; he had no transition problems, no melt downs, nothing, just big smiles and working the charm on all his teachers, as Mr Fab does best.

I got great news regarding Crazy Jane, we after 2 and half years and 4 declined letters and 5 appeals, we have won our fight for entitlement to DCA.  Can you believe it, and I actually only sent the last letter and appeal in just to stick it to them, I was so nasty and in your face in that letter LOL and I really said how I felt in it.  I even told them id bring a child the same age as crazy with me, plonk them both in his office and play a game of spot the difference between a typical child and an Aspergers child, I was waiting for a “we are suing you for harassment letter” not a reversed decision and appeal approved letter.  I was in shock; I will frame that last letter LOL.  And thanks to my wonderful solicitor we have also been sent a letter considering  review of  service by the Hole Scratchers Elite, WOOHOO SO ITS ALL LOOKING REALLY GOOD.

So what could be wrong with me, fuck knows really, im just feeling really blue.  Im not depressed by any means but just low in myself.  I suppose Lunatic john is a main source to my problems.  The 21 months of fucked up sleep finally getting in on me lol, the fact that hyperactivity has already been confirmed at this early age, the fact that yes ill be fighting for him as well in few years, does it ever end really, what did I do in my former life ill never know to deserve this.  The financial pressure of 3 kids with very different needs, childcare costs, petrol, bills and all that jazz.  That cheque from DCA has never been more needed and I am escaping the madness with 2 long weekend holidays with a friend, no kids and a family trip to add to it.  I deserve it after all this fighting and abuse from Dr George (oh the day when I get to announce his real name, cant wait) I still haven’t heard from the social work department, I think they know them selves hes just a dick as ive heard since hes famous for referring innocent families there and they are just as sick of him as we are.  So that’s comforting.

Me and DH are two people and we are struggling.  We are exhausted mentally and physically.  Someone once said to me, how can you work with all you have going on, truth, it’s my escape, it’s my rest from it all, my break from it all, it’s my refuge from it all.  If I was an outsider looking in at my life, id have us all institutionalised and on Prozac drips in a padded cell, we are a psychologists dream, we are our own psychological experiment.  We are a nut house.  My working day may end at 5 but my living hell continues on where the working day left off lol.  My kids are the best kids and for all that’s going on with them they make Autism look so damn easy but if I fall behind, they do to, if im tired and cranky, they suffer, if im unwell, they get neglected, if im not home they have a substitute who loves them just as much as we do but it means they come flooding to me for me time as soon as I get home.  I miss being a stay at home mom but I miss my sanity even more, so working really is my best medicine.  Just brings with it added stress, tiredness and out and out madness.

I hope I get to a full nights sleep again some day, I hope I wont be downing double vodka’s praying to get so shit faced that I forget my own name for a while, I pray to god ill be me again some day, I vaguely remember me, I think there was a time in my life where I had no kids, I did not live in an autism bubble, and I was fun and alive, not half dead and grumpy.  My children are my world, but do they have to be my whole life as well?  Surely im allowed having some life of my own that does not revolve around them, this for me is the Mill, and it’s just all about me, and the future im building for them. 

 I don't eben know if this blog made sense but i do know its home im feeling right now