part 36 reality bites big time

So this should be the happiest time of my life, and it is bar one thing

My beautiful twins (who have no nick names yet) are here; they are beautiful, brilliant babies and give the biggest smiles every day, I cant stop looking at them and thinking how lucky I am as while the pregnancy sucked, it is one of the best things ive ever done in my life, all the joy a baby brings and I have it two times over

So what could possibly be wrong, were all overjoyed and happy aren’t we?

Well all but one, my poor Mr Fab is not one bit happy, he is so unhappy with the new arrivals that he is doing his utmost to get rid of the new arrivals.  If he sees them he launches into full attack mode or full escape from them mode with no sense of safety, i.e. climbing, pulling dragging, running you name it.
 

July wasn’t too so bad as twins came July 15^th and luca had respite for the 3 weeks of their birth, also not without its drama, a promise made was not kept, I came home from hospital on Friday to be told on Saturday that there was no further respite for Mr Fab, when the twins where born they were a month premature and not doing too so good, constant weight loss so threats of special care baby unit and paediatrics where on going, they where to be admitted daily but somehow we managed to escape it, luckily as poor crazy Jane was not coping with me being away from home so much. As you can imagine Mr Fab being home under such stress and hospital visits, daily at one point was not an option, I had to fight and beg (as usual) for emergency respite as no where else for mr fab to be while we where so caught up in the hospital drama, we got it thank god but oh my god it was tough and stressful.

So we scraped through July but August near killed is, Mr Fab would go off on a dangerous self injuring melt down if either twins or lunatic john made the faintest of noises, as far as Mr fab was concerned this was his house and we where not welcome.

So in retaliation a constant stream of eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and argh was verbalised and volumised all day with no break till he fell asleep, and the smearing, constant shit smearing. He was not happy out with in home worker, out on trampoline, in the sitting room alone, or with his grand dad as company, he was not happy with his dad as company, he was not happy in his room, WHERE Mr Fab would you like to be so? As far away from home as humanly possible it seemed.  He was however happy at home once myself, twins, Crazy and Lunatic where gone for the day, funny that L

So what next for us, this conversation, and the dreaded conversation was had?

My husband and I came to the harsh reality that a decision we thought was WAY down the years was fast approaching.  Residential care for Mr Fab, noooooooooooooo over my dead body, but unfortunately it was more like my dead body would fast approach too, from exhaustion, sleep deprivation, attacks from Mr Fab, we are drained, hubby barely has co-ordination skills anymore as hes flat out fucked mentally and physically, im still mentally functioning (as I know I cant afford not to) but physically im dying, my body aches from tiredness and stress, im in so much pain still and im breaking down limb by limb.

What do we do, I wish I knew, I have two options unless more help comes FAST

1. Move myself and 4 other children out of our family home so we can have a normal life and my children development and social skills is not stumped by being forced to live upstairs with me in my bedroom all day until Mr fab sleeps or is out of the house
2. Put Mr Fab in full time residential care

Neither option a welcome or practical option, this is my baby boy, I fought tooth and nail to keep this child alive, I spent every waking minute with him to improve his autism as we where fortunate to know he was autistic at 6 weeks of age, and im supposed to let him go into the hands of someone else/? No I cant do that, he is my son, only me and his dad can love him like he needs to be loved, deserves to be loved, should be loved, I cant just give him up to strangers and an institution to be cared for, I can’t, but I also cannot move out of my home and take myself away from Mr fab and my husband whom I love to bits and take 4 children away from their dad who they love and adore, how can that even be an option, how cruel is that?

Life really sucks right now and im hanging on by a thread, and that’s only cause I too stubborn to let some pissy situation beat me, ill kill myself fighting for what I need and deserve, but at least id have died trying instead of lying there letting it beat me to death.

Why is life always dealing me a shitty shitty blow after giving me such a wonderful happy few hours, I am given the best to have it pulled off me and thrown around like it’s a nothing, my whole life has been a brief happy moment and then a life time of shittyness to follow it, how is that fair?

I give birth to crazy Jane, its wonderful, the best moment of my life, she’s perfect, but 18 months later, no she’s not perfect, she’s a disaster and continues to be

I give birth to Mr fab after a battle of 4 months of pregnancy to keep him alive, happiest moment is when the blood stopped, but wait, a dr tells me there could be something very wrong, and yes she was right, after 6 weeks of life we discover something is VERY wrong, but we get on with it, were happy/sad/happy/sad all through his development and continue on this way

Lunatic John, our biggest and most welcome surprise ever, hes perfect in every way, nothing is wrong, oh but it is, I barely remember his early years as 2 autism diagnoses, a prick psych referring us to social services cause he didn’t like me and my life literally got taken away from me for the first 2 years of his life. Luca hates lunatic john in every way, it was sooo tough

Finally were getting somewhere , were in a happy place, we plan another baby to be double surprised with twins, amazing, scary but amazing, our beautiful twins arrive and we cant believe our luck, it’s the most wonderful thing we’ve ever done, but now we have all this shit with Mr fabL  just give me a fucking break somebody please, im one person, you will kill me with all this heart ache you throw at me, and its not just since the kids, its been all through life, im really a good person who helps people and does good things, so why am I given this shit thrown back at me???

I really hope I get some help and support and my family don’t get ripped apart by this, we may be dysfunctional but were functional together

 

 

 

 

My Fabulous Kids, Part 35 OMG its twins

So what the hell have we been up to since October, well it sure wasn’t sleeping, that’s for sure.  So the sleep deprivation continues and we are living on our last nerves but sure aren’t we always.  My self and my hubby decided to try for one last baby, with the hope of a girl and we hit the jackpot, a double whammy so to speak.  5 months of chlomid pill popping, exhaustion but trying to conceive through it, trying to stay positive and hopeful through the strain of autism, and there it is, 6 months of trying finally a positive pregnancy test after a little miss the previous month. We are over the moon, nervous but over the moon.  I was wiped out, omg it must be a girl I thought to myself, only a girl could make me feel this sick and this tired, I slept and puked for 14 weeks solid.  I lost nearly 2 stone.  An accident with Mr fab landed me in hospital at 14 weeks pregnant, a little bleed and a nervous me went to A&E with my dear friend Sue, all was fine but a scan to be on safe side revealed 2 babies, not just 1, WHAT, omg WHAT, you are shitting with me right, NO oh f**k, it really is twins.  Mixed emotions, from happy to shitting it to happy to denial to how the hell am I going to manage twins in my crazy house. 

 December was the hardest ever Mr fab wise, school holidays came, and he went insane with boredom.  I had no energy for the poor kid, and he was becoming a little bit aggressive and very frustrated, hold on, this is not my kid, what the hell is this about, he’d wake at 3/4 am in chronic tantrum and full on aggression, hitting, kicking, pinching, biting, screaming, the whole 9 yards, but this wasn’t just at night, it was all day every day.  My poor baby.  I sobbed and sobbed (hormones added to that).  I was so distraught to see him in such a bad way, and confused as this was not typical behaviour from him at all.  My hubby and I tried everything, nothing worked, we even resorted to sedation, again didn’t work.  This is not funny anymore, what the hell is wrong with my son.  Christmas was pure misery, he just threw tantrums and self injured himself the whole way through, we never got a break from the screaming.  Our cuddle monster rejected all form of touch, sympathy, consoling everything.  Eventually school started back, ah now this will get him back to himself, unfortunately it did not, ok we need professional help now. 

 We have now got a behavioural psychologist on board, brilliant, let’s go, how do we fix this and get my little happy Mr Fab back to himself.  Trials, errors and record keeping, that’s how.  Mr Fab gets respite 2 days a week as his aggression has caused me injury on several occasions when DH not here.  A move we never imagined we would ever have to make, Mr Fab away from home, never sure we would never need that kind of service, em yes we do.  The first few weeks of respite I sobbed and was heart broke at what I was doing to my son, eh didn’t take me long to get over it, swimming, horse riding, trips to parks, yep he was living the high life and I, us, we where far from his mind.   After nearly 2 months we have cracked it, my poor child had a gastric bug just before Xmas, a nasty one at that.  It must have ate away part of his intestinal tract and now any msg or citric acid was literally burning Mr Fab from the inside out.  Yes my orange juice and orange loving fan was in pain from one of his favourite foods, oranges, jellies and noodles.  Can it really be that simple, YES it can?  Elimination of all jellies, citric acid and msg and now I have my wonderful happy Mr fab back to himself.

 So one sorted, 2 to go, Crazy Jane still as mad as ever, omg she’ll be the death of me that girl.  Still got all sorts of crazy going on in her whacked out mind, still anxious and now OCD has come back with a vengeance (well it never really left but did improve) weight issues, paranoia and now we got mild self harming to add to the long list of many behaviours.  Again influences from school not helping matters with their comments, but let’s face it, this will always be a problem when it comes to Crazy Jane. She is receiving cognitive behavioural therapy, she gets on with her psychologist and that’s great, I like her too but get frustrated at how she takes Crazy at face value, she’s not great at reading between the lines and looking underneath the surface but at least she’s helping her so that’s ok.  We will be going for a psychiatric assessment in a few months time so dreading this.  High IQ’s mixed with anxiety and ocd is pure evil I tell you. 

 Now for lunatic John, he’s great yes but omg the whinging, I can’t bare the whinging.  Thank god it’s not just him and all his friends too or id be dragging him to a psychiatrist and all.  It is a phase, but one he had better hurry up and get past before I kill him.  He flew his 3 year developmental check and the only issue is still his weight but not much can be done, he is a skinny guy with a very fast metabolism (so jealous) and that’s just all there is too it. 

 So this twin pregnancy, weird is all I can use to describe it,  They kill me from the inside out, I got a left hip being knocked out of place, sciatica, synphis pubis dysfunction and my back literally feels like it is broke and missing its back bone.  Sleep, well between Mr Fab (who has decided 3/4 am wake ups is just gonna be his thing) lunatic john who is whinging in his sleep but “loudly” and the unborn twins killing me with pain all day and all night, sleep yet again escapes me, but oddly I have become so used to it that it seems normal now lol.  It’s gonna be sooooooo much fun when the twins are born, ill never sleep again and may be popping 20 valume just to get me through the day.

 I have 10 weeks left and I am on operation house/garden face lift.  I want a new house and garden for my new babies.  I am enjoying shopping all round me for them, one boy and one girl.  We are over the moon to finally have a girl to shop for after 6 years of boy stuff.  Crazy is just soo happy to finally be getting the sister she has been praying for since she was 4 years old. With Luca being so out of sorts and needing so much of our time and energy, the adoption is on hold for a few years, we need to concentrate on the kids we have here and now so that when we are functioning normally again we will have that same time and energy to devote to our adopted child.  We will do it, just not for a few years yet. 

 So that’s it, the story is up to date, we are still a bunch of nutters living in a crazy house in a crazy world, but were happy, healthy and managing (just about).  I love my family even with all the madness, it proves every day the love we have for each other, the passion we have for life and its challenges, the strength we have within us, the bond we all have, and most of all, the unconditional love we have for our children, really what more could you want in life, money is nothing, happiness is everything, and were happy, broke but happy, life is good.