So this should be the happiest time of my life, and it is
bar one thing
My beautiful twins (who have no nick names yet) are here;
they are beautiful, brilliant babies and give the biggest smiles every day, I cant
stop looking at them and thinking how lucky I am as while the pregnancy sucked,
it is one of the best things ive ever done in my life, all the joy a baby
brings and I have it two times over
So what could possibly be wrong, were all overjoyed and
happy aren’t we?
Well all but one, my poor Mr Fab is not one bit happy, he is
so unhappy with the new arrivals that he is doing his utmost to get rid of the
new arrivals. If he sees them he
launches into full attack mode or full escape from them mode with no sense of
safety, i.e. climbing, pulling dragging, running you name it.
July wasn’t too so bad as twins came July 15th and
luca had respite for the 3 weeks of their birth, also not without its drama, a
promise made was not kept, I came home from hospital on Friday to be told on Saturday
that there was no further respite for Mr Fab, when the twins where born they
were a month premature and not doing too so good, constant weight loss so
threats of special care baby unit and paediatrics where on going, they where to
be admitted daily but somehow we managed to escape it, luckily as poor crazy Jane
was not coping with me being away from home so much. As you can imagine Mr Fab
being home under such stress and hospital visits, daily at one point was not an
option, I had to fight and beg (as usual) for emergency respite as no where
else for mr fab to be while we where so caught up in the hospital drama, we got
it thank god but oh my god it was tough and stressful.
So we scraped through July but August near killed is, Mr Fab
would go off on a dangerous self injuring melt down if either twins or lunatic
john made the faintest of noises, as far as Mr fab was concerned this was his
house and we where not welcome.
So in retaliation a constant stream of eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and
argh was verbalised and volumised all day with no break till he fell asleep,
and the smearing, constant shit smearing. He was not happy out with in home
worker, out on trampoline, in the sitting room alone, or with his grand dad as
company, he was not happy with his dad as company, he was not happy in his
room, WHERE Mr Fab would you like to be so? As far away from home as humanly
possible it seemed. He was however happy
at home once myself, twins, Crazy and Lunatic where gone for the day, funny that
L
So what next for us, this conversation, and the dreaded
conversation was had?
My husband and I came to the harsh reality that a decision
we thought was WAY down the years was fast approaching. Residential care for Mr Fab, noooooooooooooo
over my dead body, but unfortunately it was more like my dead body would fast
approach too, from exhaustion, sleep deprivation, attacks from Mr Fab, we are
drained, hubby barely has co-ordination skills anymore as hes flat out fucked
mentally and physically, im still mentally functioning (as I know I cant afford
not to) but physically im dying, my body aches from tiredness and stress, im in
so much pain still and im breaking down limb by limb.
What do we do, I wish I knew, I have two options unless more
help comes FAST
- Move myself and 4 other children out of our family home so we can have a normal life and my children development and social skills is not stumped by being forced to live upstairs with me in my bedroom all day until Mr fab sleeps or is out of the house
- Put Mr Fab in full time residential care
Neither option a welcome or practical option, this is my
baby boy, I fought tooth and nail to keep this child alive, I spent every
waking minute with him to improve his autism as we where fortunate to know he
was autistic at 6 weeks of age, and im supposed to let him go into the hands of
someone else/? No I cant do that, he is my son, only me and his dad can love
him like he needs to be loved, deserves to be loved, should be loved, I cant
just give him up to strangers and an institution to be cared for, I can’t, but I
also cannot move out of my home and take myself away from Mr fab and my husband
whom I love to bits and take 4 children away from their dad who they love and
adore, how can that even be an option, how cruel is that?
Life really sucks right now and im hanging on by a thread,
and that’s only cause I too stubborn to let some pissy situation beat me, ill
kill myself fighting for what I need and deserve, but at least id have died
trying instead of lying there letting it beat me to death.
Why is life always dealing me a shitty shitty blow after
giving me such a wonderful happy few hours, I am given the best to have it
pulled off me and thrown around like it’s a nothing, my whole life has been a
brief happy moment and then a life time of shittyness to follow it, how is that
fair?
I give birth to crazy Jane, its wonderful, the best moment
of my life, she’s perfect, but 18 months later, no she’s not perfect, she’s a
disaster and continues to be
I give birth to Mr fab after a battle of 4 months of
pregnancy to keep him alive, happiest moment is when the blood stopped, but
wait, a dr tells me there could be something very wrong, and yes she was right,
after 6 weeks of life we discover something is VERY wrong, but we get on with
it, were happy/sad/happy/sad all through his development and continue on this
way
Lunatic John, our biggest and most welcome surprise ever,
hes perfect in every way, nothing is wrong, oh but it is, I barely remember his
early years as 2 autism diagnoses, a prick psych referring us to social
services cause he didn’t like me and my life literally got taken away from me
for the first 2 years of his life. Luca hates lunatic john in every way, it was
sooo tough
Finally were getting somewhere , were in a happy place, we
plan another baby to be double surprised with twins, amazing, scary but
amazing, our beautiful twins arrive and we cant believe our luck, it’s the most
wonderful thing we’ve ever done, but now we have all this shit with Mr fabL just give me a fucking break somebody please,
im one person, you will kill me with all this heart ache you throw at me, and
its not just since the kids, its been all through life, im really a good person
who helps people and does good things, so why am I given this shit thrown back
at me???
I really hope I get some help and support and my family don’t
get ripped apart by this, we may be dysfunctional but were functional together
