ALIVE AGAIN
In my last blog I sounded so down and out, even I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I was just on an all time low, WHY? I forgot how to live for a while I think.
I like my 3 kids have a mild disability, I have an actual diagnosis of ADD with ODD type behaviours (possibly had the disorder as a teenager but grew to control it but still got traits of it) I have a constant need to be out of my house doing something, my brain is permanently thinking of projects to get started on, some never completed but also never forgotten and some I do till the bitter end with amazing results. I’m very driven and passionate about all I do and I never give up, this can be a god send but also a curse.
When I met DH almost 17 years ago we immediately fell in love, it was so quick, we where engaged after 4 months and buying our first house and planning our beautiful baby girl crazy Jane. I would not change a thing to this day, my husband is the most amazing guy you could meet but we struggled to cope with each other’s ways, on paper we really should not work but we do. He actually calmed me down and although we both have the need to argue our point to the death and we are both as stubborn as they come we work, but only through long battles and learning slowly over the years to compromise to finish the battle. But he also recognised that I have an ability to do and succeed at anything I put my mind to, I only got this praise and encouragement from him as I did not get it as a child, through no fault of anyone only circumstances and hard life with all involved. I don’t blame anyone I just recognise the issues and understand it, but this took years of trying.
My husband is quiet and so laid back, I am hyperactive and impulsive; we are two very different people. I have learned to respect the fact my husband is not a night clubbing, do something on a whim type of guy, and he has learned that I am LOL so in order for us to work he lets me do my thing and I let him do his thing, its just the way it is as neither one of us will ever change EVER lol There is a draw back as I always look like my marriage is in trouble at family weddings when he’s not with me or when he is and its 2 am, I’m still wanting to carry on partying and he just wants his bed, lets just say his facial expressions tell all and hide nothing, I call him the hulk as you can see when he’s at his exploding limit. But if I’m honest I wouldn’t change him as then we really just would not work otherwise.
Anyways for the last 13 years I’ve been fighting
RECAP: Met my hubby, mortgage application, baby making but no baby, tests, heart ache, struggles, new house, pregnant, horrid pregnancy, my gorgeous baby girl, hell as she is an insomniac, projectile vomiter, hyperactive head case, new house, play school probs with crazy Jane, she’s as odd as two left feet, grrrrrr still odd and so difficult, new mortgage almost killed us, Jane calmer but stranger, yay school, grrrr no not yay school but ugh school, problems raised, hard struggles with her, worried about her, wedding plan stress, wedding, new baby plans, some hitches, pregnant, threatened miscarriage, pregnancy issues raised, heart ache, beautiful baby Mr. fabulous, autism, county move and new mortgage, school issues for crazy, new school, still issues for crazy, Mr. fabulous diagnosed, hse enough said, and the rest as you all know its just been horrendous stress and never a let up EVER
I got trapped in problems, they consumed me, they took over my life, they where crushing me and near killing me. I never stopped fighting or gave up but it damn near killed me. I was dying slowly inside. So many years of stress, heart ache, fears, worries, guilt, fighting, trauma, shock and depression that I can safely say I was dying inside.
I NEED RESPITE so badly or I will be no use to anyone or anything, if I so much as drop my guard and give up, its game over for my kids, I cant and wont let this happen. I will be fighting for my crazies for the rest of their lives and right now I need to fight for me first to get the strength to continue their fight.
So what am I going to do
Well on a whim I flew to Rome with another friend who is as mental as I used to be, we then went to Florence , Venice , Switzerland and to Milan Brazil
I am so blessed that I have a hubby who realised I needed this before I even did. He had nothing but encouragement for me to do this and was just so happy for me to get the opportunity to do it, which to me says everything about my relationship with my husband, about the love we have for each other and about the trust and respect we have for each other. We have been through hell that would separate the strongest of couples, but were still here, still in love and still as strong and happy as we ever where.
I plan to make sure my family has memories of happiness as well as hard ships from now on, we will always have memories of the tough times, they get permanently stamped into you brain, you cant help but remember them, but the happy memories sometimes get lost and stored to the back of the pile, it should not be this way, and I plan to make sure from now on that the happy memories start taking over the miserable ones and soon push their way to the start of the pile. My husband and kids deserve better and happier memories, and I plan to make sure they get them.
So to my hubby, I love you and have never had a day where I didn’t love you, you are my everything and I couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t ever wish for anything more or less from you as you have given me everything in life I could ever wish for, but truly my kids are the best gift in my life so I need nothing more. I just hope that I too can give to you all you have given to me and more, as you deserve it, you are amazing and I am so blessed to have found you, but I knew I loved you before I met you, and I really do think I dreamed you into life, just as our wedding song says lol
I am somewhat alive again; just a few more adrenalin rushes then god help all who stand in my kid’s way, I’m ready and waiting, bring it
