Part 37, That's the way a ha a ha, i like it a ha a ha

And the key to Mr Fab’s happiness is??????????? To be never home and when he is, to have a room all to himself where he can close the door and just be, problem solved.

So yet again, more expense, the kid is gonna financially break us, 5 grand later and we have split a very big sitting room into 2 sitting rooms, yes hes still eeeeeee ing and temper tantrums are a hour long regular, but at least we can leave and not listen to it now. 

 Mr fab has finally accepted the babies as a permanent feature that he cannot evict just yet.  I snapped and let his social worker have 3 years of held back temper and anger and she listened, decided to act now before she was visiting me behind a glass screen of either a mental institution or a prison cell or both.  I still let her have a good shout at every once in a while, I refuse to let her put me and Mr Fab on a long finger and make her do her job.  Im still fighting for more and more and winning slowly but im winning, that’s the main thing.

 Mr Fab is now in receipt of respite 2 days mid week and one weekend a month as an emergency respite, we are fighting for this to be made permanent.  Our guide dog will be here for definite in the next few months, he on 12 hrs in home a week and we have week ends covered as well, so yep, we keep him out of the house as much as possible and he rewards us with a smile and a more calm self on return. 

 We discovered after a lengthy food and behaviour diary that he is intolerant to citric acid, Poor Mr Fab spent the whole of xmas last year (2011) self injuring himself, screaming, really out of his mind melt downs and we couldn’t figure out why, than after a trip to the behavioural psych, we finally discovered that citric acid to Mr Fab is literally like swallowing acid and toxic substances, his insides go on fire.  Since the elimination we have noticed improvements, hes still a brat and has meltdowns several times a day and bites himself, injures himself and throws hissy fits but in a less pain inflicted way LOL.  He still rarely sleeps and is up at 6am every morning but we can ignore his crap now as we know he’s not in pain anymore. 

So Crazy is doing better, still crazy but at least she a lot better than was.  I swear her psychologist hasn’t a notion of what its like to live with a spectrum disorder, I also think she’s on strong medicated drugs and hit every branch of the nut tree when she fell out of it as a kid, but she’s harmless so its all good, Crazy needs a new assessment and maybe meds, but were going in the right direction at least.

Lunatic john, well he’s still anorexic ally skinny, but he is simply brilliant, a really great kid, full of fun and just lovely through and through.

 The twins nick name is now thing 1 and thing 2 hehehehe they are the best babies on the planet, full of fun, chat, and just interested in everything. I have no questions of any spectrum issues at all and they are developing perfect, woohoo. 

Apart from non stop bugs and colds since November things are going really well, were exhausted from sick babies and kids but were getting there, 

Crazy has taken to writing, her stuff is more Stephen king than Enid Brighten and so not what you’d expect a 12 year old to write but I got to say, im really impressed.  She’s off to CTYI to do a course in read, act and write for the spring.  Im dying to see what they make of her whacked out stories, she rather freaky hehe, but she likes it, that’s what counts. 

So that’s it, we all still unhinged and mentally unstable in a stable sort of way, things are going sort of ok for a change, wont last long but we can enjoy it for now at least. 

 

 

 

part 36 reality bites big time

So this should be the happiest time of my life, and it is bar one thing

My beautiful twins (who have no nick names yet) are here; they are beautiful, brilliant babies and give the biggest smiles every day, I cant stop looking at them and thinking how lucky I am as while the pregnancy sucked, it is one of the best things ive ever done in my life, all the joy a baby brings and I have it two times over

So what could possibly be wrong, were all overjoyed and happy aren’t we?

Well all but one, my poor Mr Fab is not one bit happy, he is so unhappy with the new arrivals that he is doing his utmost to get rid of the new arrivals.  If he sees them he launches into full attack mode or full escape from them mode with no sense of safety, i.e. climbing, pulling dragging, running you name it.
 

July wasn’t too so bad as twins came July 15^th and luca had respite for the 3 weeks of their birth, also not without its drama, a promise made was not kept, I came home from hospital on Friday to be told on Saturday that there was no further respite for Mr Fab, when the twins where born they were a month premature and not doing too so good, constant weight loss so threats of special care baby unit and paediatrics where on going, they where to be admitted daily but somehow we managed to escape it, luckily as poor crazy Jane was not coping with me being away from home so much. As you can imagine Mr Fab being home under such stress and hospital visits, daily at one point was not an option, I had to fight and beg (as usual) for emergency respite as no where else for mr fab to be while we where so caught up in the hospital drama, we got it thank god but oh my god it was tough and stressful.

So we scraped through July but August near killed is, Mr Fab would go off on a dangerous self injuring melt down if either twins or lunatic john made the faintest of noises, as far as Mr fab was concerned this was his house and we where not welcome.

So in retaliation a constant stream of eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and argh was verbalised and volumised all day with no break till he fell asleep, and the smearing, constant shit smearing. He was not happy out with in home worker, out on trampoline, in the sitting room alone, or with his grand dad as company, he was not happy with his dad as company, he was not happy in his room, WHERE Mr Fab would you like to be so? As far away from home as humanly possible it seemed.  He was however happy at home once myself, twins, Crazy and Lunatic where gone for the day, funny that L

So what next for us, this conversation, and the dreaded conversation was had?

My husband and I came to the harsh reality that a decision we thought was WAY down the years was fast approaching.  Residential care for Mr Fab, noooooooooooooo over my dead body, but unfortunately it was more like my dead body would fast approach too, from exhaustion, sleep deprivation, attacks from Mr Fab, we are drained, hubby barely has co-ordination skills anymore as hes flat out fucked mentally and physically, im still mentally functioning (as I know I cant afford not to) but physically im dying, my body aches from tiredness and stress, im in so much pain still and im breaking down limb by limb.

What do we do, I wish I knew, I have two options unless more help comes FAST

1. Move myself and 4 other children out of our family home so we can have a normal life and my children development and social skills is not stumped by being forced to live upstairs with me in my bedroom all day until Mr fab sleeps or is out of the house
2. Put Mr Fab in full time residential care

Neither option a welcome or practical option, this is my baby boy, I fought tooth and nail to keep this child alive, I spent every waking minute with him to improve his autism as we where fortunate to know he was autistic at 6 weeks of age, and im supposed to let him go into the hands of someone else/? No I cant do that, he is my son, only me and his dad can love him like he needs to be loved, deserves to be loved, should be loved, I cant just give him up to strangers and an institution to be cared for, I can’t, but I also cannot move out of my home and take myself away from Mr fab and my husband whom I love to bits and take 4 children away from their dad who they love and adore, how can that even be an option, how cruel is that?

Life really sucks right now and im hanging on by a thread, and that’s only cause I too stubborn to let some pissy situation beat me, ill kill myself fighting for what I need and deserve, but at least id have died trying instead of lying there letting it beat me to death.

Why is life always dealing me a shitty shitty blow after giving me such a wonderful happy few hours, I am given the best to have it pulled off me and thrown around like it’s a nothing, my whole life has been a brief happy moment and then a life time of shittyness to follow it, how is that fair?

I give birth to crazy Jane, its wonderful, the best moment of my life, she’s perfect, but 18 months later, no she’s not perfect, she’s a disaster and continues to be

I give birth to Mr fab after a battle of 4 months of pregnancy to keep him alive, happiest moment is when the blood stopped, but wait, a dr tells me there could be something very wrong, and yes she was right, after 6 weeks of life we discover something is VERY wrong, but we get on with it, were happy/sad/happy/sad all through his development and continue on this way

Lunatic John, our biggest and most welcome surprise ever, hes perfect in every way, nothing is wrong, oh but it is, I barely remember his early years as 2 autism diagnoses, a prick psych referring us to social services cause he didn’t like me and my life literally got taken away from me for the first 2 years of his life. Luca hates lunatic john in every way, it was sooo tough

Finally were getting somewhere , were in a happy place, we plan another baby to be double surprised with twins, amazing, scary but amazing, our beautiful twins arrive and we cant believe our luck, it’s the most wonderful thing we’ve ever done, but now we have all this shit with Mr fabL  just give me a fucking break somebody please, im one person, you will kill me with all this heart ache you throw at me, and its not just since the kids, its been all through life, im really a good person who helps people and does good things, so why am I given this shit thrown back at me???

I really hope I get some help and support and my family don’t get ripped apart by this, we may be dysfunctional but were functional together

 

 

 

 

My Fabulous Kids, Part 35 OMG its twins

So what the hell have we been up to since October, well it sure wasn’t sleeping, that’s for sure.  So the sleep deprivation continues and we are living on our last nerves but sure aren’t we always.  My self and my hubby decided to try for one last baby, with the hope of a girl and we hit the jackpot, a double whammy so to speak.  5 months of chlomid pill popping, exhaustion but trying to conceive through it, trying to stay positive and hopeful through the strain of autism, and there it is, 6 months of trying finally a positive pregnancy test after a little miss the previous month. We are over the moon, nervous but over the moon.  I was wiped out, omg it must be a girl I thought to myself, only a girl could make me feel this sick and this tired, I slept and puked for 14 weeks solid.  I lost nearly 2 stone.  An accident with Mr fab landed me in hospital at 14 weeks pregnant, a little bleed and a nervous me went to A&E with my dear friend Sue, all was fine but a scan to be on safe side revealed 2 babies, not just 1, WHAT, omg WHAT, you are shitting with me right, NO oh f**k, it really is twins.  Mixed emotions, from happy to shitting it to happy to denial to how the hell am I going to manage twins in my crazy house. 

 December was the hardest ever Mr fab wise, school holidays came, and he went insane with boredom.  I had no energy for the poor kid, and he was becoming a little bit aggressive and very frustrated, hold on, this is not my kid, what the hell is this about, he’d wake at 3/4 am in chronic tantrum and full on aggression, hitting, kicking, pinching, biting, screaming, the whole 9 yards, but this wasn’t just at night, it was all day every day.  My poor baby.  I sobbed and sobbed (hormones added to that).  I was so distraught to see him in such a bad way, and confused as this was not typical behaviour from him at all.  My hubby and I tried everything, nothing worked, we even resorted to sedation, again didn’t work.  This is not funny anymore, what the hell is wrong with my son.  Christmas was pure misery, he just threw tantrums and self injured himself the whole way through, we never got a break from the screaming.  Our cuddle monster rejected all form of touch, sympathy, consoling everything.  Eventually school started back, ah now this will get him back to himself, unfortunately it did not, ok we need professional help now. 

 We have now got a behavioural psychologist on board, brilliant, let’s go, how do we fix this and get my little happy Mr Fab back to himself.  Trials, errors and record keeping, that’s how.  Mr Fab gets respite 2 days a week as his aggression has caused me injury on several occasions when DH not here.  A move we never imagined we would ever have to make, Mr Fab away from home, never sure we would never need that kind of service, em yes we do.  The first few weeks of respite I sobbed and was heart broke at what I was doing to my son, eh didn’t take me long to get over it, swimming, horse riding, trips to parks, yep he was living the high life and I, us, we where far from his mind.   After nearly 2 months we have cracked it, my poor child had a gastric bug just before Xmas, a nasty one at that.  It must have ate away part of his intestinal tract and now any msg or citric acid was literally burning Mr Fab from the inside out.  Yes my orange juice and orange loving fan was in pain from one of his favourite foods, oranges, jellies and noodles.  Can it really be that simple, YES it can?  Elimination of all jellies, citric acid and msg and now I have my wonderful happy Mr fab back to himself.

 So one sorted, 2 to go, Crazy Jane still as mad as ever, omg she’ll be the death of me that girl.  Still got all sorts of crazy going on in her whacked out mind, still anxious and now OCD has come back with a vengeance (well it never really left but did improve) weight issues, paranoia and now we got mild self harming to add to the long list of many behaviours.  Again influences from school not helping matters with their comments, but let’s face it, this will always be a problem when it comes to Crazy Jane. She is receiving cognitive behavioural therapy, she gets on with her psychologist and that’s great, I like her too but get frustrated at how she takes Crazy at face value, she’s not great at reading between the lines and looking underneath the surface but at least she’s helping her so that’s ok.  We will be going for a psychiatric assessment in a few months time so dreading this.  High IQ’s mixed with anxiety and ocd is pure evil I tell you. 

 Now for lunatic John, he’s great yes but omg the whinging, I can’t bare the whinging.  Thank god it’s not just him and all his friends too or id be dragging him to a psychiatrist and all.  It is a phase, but one he had better hurry up and get past before I kill him.  He flew his 3 year developmental check and the only issue is still his weight but not much can be done, he is a skinny guy with a very fast metabolism (so jealous) and that’s just all there is too it. 

 So this twin pregnancy, weird is all I can use to describe it,  They kill me from the inside out, I got a left hip being knocked out of place, sciatica, synphis pubis dysfunction and my back literally feels like it is broke and missing its back bone.  Sleep, well between Mr Fab (who has decided 3/4 am wake ups is just gonna be his thing) lunatic john who is whinging in his sleep but “loudly” and the unborn twins killing me with pain all day and all night, sleep yet again escapes me, but oddly I have become so used to it that it seems normal now lol.  It’s gonna be sooooooo much fun when the twins are born, ill never sleep again and may be popping 20 valume just to get me through the day.

 I have 10 weeks left and I am on operation house/garden face lift.  I want a new house and garden for my new babies.  I am enjoying shopping all round me for them, one boy and one girl.  We are over the moon to finally have a girl to shop for after 6 years of boy stuff.  Crazy is just soo happy to finally be getting the sister she has been praying for since she was 4 years old. With Luca being so out of sorts and needing so much of our time and energy, the adoption is on hold for a few years, we need to concentrate on the kids we have here and now so that when we are functioning normally again we will have that same time and energy to devote to our adopted child.  We will do it, just not for a few years yet. 

 So that’s it, the story is up to date, we are still a bunch of nutters living in a crazy house in a crazy world, but were happy, healthy and managing (just about).  I love my family even with all the madness, it proves every day the love we have for each other, the passion we have for life and its challenges, the strength we have within us, the bond we all have, and most of all, the unconditional love we have for our children, really what more could you want in life, money is nothing, happiness is everything, and were happy, broke but happy, life is good.

My Fabulous Kids, Part 34 “Sleep”, I’ve missed you

So what’s it been, 3 years, yea that sounds about right?  Mr fabulous used to be great at sleeping while lunatic john was never great, that child would wake 4 times a night while Mr Fab would sleep from 7pm to 7 am no bother and with nothing to help him on his merry way.  Now it’s a total reverse, lunatic John sleeps just fine unless unwell, while Mr not so Fab is awake every 3 am and breaking our hearts.  I have no problem with a 3 am wake up, that’s fine, but at least have the decency to stay quiet and entertain yourself till you go back asleep, after all there is toys, dvds, books there for him.

I’m not a moaner and whiner unless I’m at the end of my tether, and I’m officially at the end of my tether.  Mr Fabulous as you know is non-verbal, yes, but he’s not MUTE.  My god that child can scream and whine, and as for this monotonous “ eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”  at the top of his voice, “criminal” but this “eeeeeeeeee” doesn’t stop, it’s just constant, and then to add insult to injury, he starts banging on windows with heavy plastic objects while screeching this horrendous eeeeeeeee full force, WTF seriously WHY???

You try everything from nappy changes, food, drinks, medicine, removing a layer of clothing in case too warm, adding a layer in case too cold, changing the dvds, cuddling, giving out sternly, you name it we try it, but “NO” nothing, nada, squat, nothing restores sleep, just from 3 am the monotonous screech of eeeeeeeeeeeeeee and the continuous bang bang bang on the windows walls, doors, wardrobes to which your whole house is now awake.  Now add in naked child and smeared pooo or puddles of piss and piss drenched teddies and bed clothes and you officially entered those dangerous thoughts of driving out to the woods and leaving him there, ok, no never but I’d be lying if I said I never “joked” about it.  Unfortunately for me he is a handsome devil and has a cheeky grin that would melt the toughest heart and a chuckle of laughter that just draws you in to play with him even when your original thought was to “strangle” him, again, “joking words” there. Don’t go rushing to get the social workers, just yet.

I’m sure most people would think, ok Na not a chance, “it can’t be that bad” and you may say, oh hear she goes “moaning” again, but honestly this is what our life has become.  Now don’t get me wrong, we just get on with it and cope with it and are such a strong bonded family so even see the funnier side of it all and comment on how our zombie type looks are almost passing on the streets with little stares, but by god are we totally shattered and worn out.  Is it just a phase? Does he need to be sedated, or do we? Is he just going to be like this from here on in? Can we install a voice box with a volume switch? (“joke”)

So that’s the sleeping and night drama covered, now let me fill you in on the day end of things shall I. Morning we crawl down stairs, drag our asses around to get us and kids ready for school.  Once Luca gets put into his uniform, we employ a military operation to keep watch on him, for if we don’t we are cleaning a piss drenched Mr Fab, piss drenched window, window cill, pissed drenched teddies, blankets, floor everything.  It takes just 2 seconds to do it, and he covers the entire sitting room.  Some mornings we manage to keep our eye on the ball, but some morning we don’t. 

When Mr Fab gets home from school, he goes bouncing on the trampoline; this often results in a fully dressed to naked in 2 mins Mr Fab.  How we don’t know, but then just to add to that, we then see a naked Mr fab bouncing along side bouncing poop.  Great. Wonderful, marvellous, the military cleaning operation begins, Crazy jane grabs Mr Fab off trampoline, while DH grabs wipes and anti-bac spray and starts to clean trampoline while I get new clothes for Mr Fab and clean him.  Everybody is retching, sometimes laughing, and trying to avoid getting poop all over them.  This is where the equivalent of the straight jacket comes in, we then dress Mr Fab again in a nappy, briefs, all in one girls swim suit, another nappy on top |(as he pulls down to wee through clothes) and then an all in one swim/sun suit on backwards, yes people I shit you not.  Mr Fab spends his entire evening and night in this, we have no choice.  When it rains we are screwed, as Mr Fab cannot jump on his trampoline, he does not play with toys, he does not interact with other children, which means I must play with him, or bring him out in the car or to the shops (he loves the lights and food items that he eats on his way around) or to one play centre he just about tolerates, which is an hour away.  I’d love to bring him swimming but with 3 kids, one being Mr Fab it is impossible on my own and DH is working and allergic to chlorine.  We get 6 hrs respite a week, split into 2 days, and by god do we need those 2 days.  We do not get over night respite but I’ve expressed I really need it, so with the excellent services Mr Fab has, I’m sure he’ll get it soon enough, I live and hope (but he is still very young and just 5 years old)

So that’s Mr Fab in a brief nutshell.  We try everything, we do everything, and we just live and hope it will all get better, but we always remember, that it could be worse and we are very lucky with Mr Fab as he’s not the worst of them, were very fortunate that he is very intelligent, creative, fun loving, devilment streak, mischievous, playful, and a cuddly little boy.  He makes autism seem like a piece of cake most days, but he keeps us on our toes, that is for sure. 

As for the blogs story:

Crazy Jane has finally got psychology, OT and speech and language through the help of social workers (who I’d have been lost without) and is doing really well.  Social workers enlightened me that Dr Rogers referred us as he thought I was a tad crazy.  That I was one of those mother’s that wanted ill children, you know those psycho mums who pretend their kids are sick just so you have a purpose in life, well when I heard that, I hit the roof, thankfully the social workers couldn’t have disagreed more with him and sent a report saying he was way out of line and that they were releasing us from their services and have referred Crazy Jane to appropriate services where she could get help with her issues, which they see she had plenty.  They also praised us for all we do and are doing for her and for not giving up fighting for her even when Dr roger’s did this to us and couldn’t praise us more as parents, up yours Dr rogers, your freaky, dangerous little creepy bastard.  Isn’t it mad that you have to endure such trauma and ridicule just because someone with power abuses it and won’t be told he’s wrong.  He’s such a wanker I tell you. 

Lunatic John is now in play school, doing really well, still anorexic skinny but healthy and happy.  He is now officially older than his 5 year old brother and is now the boss of him.  He is great though as he warns me what Mr Fab is doing at all times, and steps in to stop Mr Fab in his tracks.  I actually forget that Lunatic John id 3 years younger than Mr Fab; I think Mr Fab will always be our “baby”

There is no signs of any spectrum issues or autism traits in Lunatic John, at last a typical child with nothing wrong with him, we are delighted and the comparison to him with both Crazy Jane and Mr Fab is unreal.  He’s so independent, able, capable, willing, easy to talk down, mild tantrums, logical, understanding, etc., the difference is unreal.  Now if he’d just gain some weight all would be wonderful. 

Mr Fab’s  guide dog will be here very soon, we cannot wait, I really hope this dog will be a bit turn around in our lives, we need a miracle and I hope I’m not expecting this dog to be all and more lol.  We also have some new plans up our sleeve which il fill you in more on later.  We have had to put the adoption on hold for a while, we will wait maybe until Mr Fab is a lot older and more settled and behaviours are more under control, we need to be 100% functioning for the adoption and were on 20% at the min, we will do it though J

happy 2nd birthday to lunatic john, yes hes 2, where did the time go

This time 2 years ago I was anxiously and impatiently waiting for Lunatic John to make his grand entrance into the world.  I rang DH all excited, “where are you”? I ask, well the news that followed wasn’t good.

DH had been sick all night vomiting, he had gotten food poisoning from a sandwich he ate in the hospital the night before when I had checked in, I was devastated as he would not be there for the birth of his son (by c section) so to the rescue was my mum, I was upset but not letting it get me down as I had been waiting 9 months for this very day.

So he came screeching into the world at 11 am, he screeched not cried, oh hes gorgeous, the biggest of the 3 weighing in at 7lb 8 oz, ironic considering he is now the skinniest little thing ive ever seen.  He was gorgeous, just unbelievably gorgeous. 

It was days before Dh made it to the hospital, I was actually going home the day he and lunatic john met by c section, On his arrival home there was excitement and joy but not for one little boy, on no, he isn’t staying here taught Mr Fabulous to him self as he tried to push Lunatic John off my lap onto the floor, Oh dear, were in for a very long settling in process.

Well on his first birthday, his brother still hates him, poor Lunatic John is so ill we could not celebrate on the day, he is in and out of hospital as his weight plummeted to next to nothing from the winter vomiting bug, trouble was he hadn’t much to spare to begin with, all sorts of tests were done, he is now under a paediatric team and is seen and weighed every 4 months even to this very day.  He has been diagnosed with hyperactivity and he weighs now 11, 1 kg, this is great although not very desirable for his age and height.

So we didn’t get to celebrate his first birthday till 2 weeks after, never fear always next year, sure he wont know the difference.  A year had passed and he is still the craziest little thing running around, climbing everything, chatting non stop in 2 languages, yes he speaks English and Brasilian Portuguese, he is absolutely off his rocker.  He has scarcely slept a night since the day he was born; he has aged my self and his dad by at least 15 years in his 2 short years with us.  How we manage to get through a day is beyond us but we do and were still happy and doting parents.

Lunatic John is infectious, his smile is just to die for, which is good for him as when you are really at the end of your tether with him you just see him smile and you forget that you wanted to strangle him 10 min previous.  He is the best child and so intelligent and curious, he learns at least 5 new words in 2 different languages every day, I really forget that he is only 2 sometimes as hes just beyond his years.

So today jan 7^th is his birthday, I swear that he is cursed.  We have a swine flu outbreak in our house, Lunatic John being the only one to not have it, if he did it would near kill him so he is gone to stay with his uncle for a few days, whom is fit for the nut house at this stage.  So yet again another day of his birthday we cannot celebrate until the following week, ironic as his due date was Jan 17^th, he was born 10 days early due to the section, at this stage im really tempted to change his birthday to that date.

So happy birthday little man, I really hope your spoilt today with your 2 uncles, I hope you run the ragged and wear them well out, and I can’t wait to give you a big birthday cuddle. 

We have a massive birthday party planned for Jan 16^th with all his little buddies and yes we will celebrate big style lol

For the rest of the news on the blog

No start date yet for adoption course, hse rang and said no idea when it will start, great, aren’t the wonderful, my daughter will be arriving when my other daughter moving out to go to college, great like that’s so what we want NOT

No news on the hse paying crazy Jane’s backdated dca, il get it, I will, they aint getting away with that one

                                         

Mr Fab is slowly recovering from swine flu but other than that he is doing great, still not to fond of his brother but its getting a bit better with them both, hes loving school and doing great.  He was re-diagnosed after his educational psych assessment with LF non verbal autism and is functioning at the age level of between 12 – 24 months, we are delighted with this news as is an improvement from 12 to 18 months.  The diagnosis is great news as means he gets to stay with his services and the HSE can’t get their messed up hands on him to destroy all the hard work we have been doing and that the services he is with have been doing providing for him.

Crazy jane isn’t so great, the Aspergers is really taking her over like some possessed demon.  I really wish there was such a thing as an Aspergers exorcism.  I hate Aspergers, give me autism any day.   She asks now for permission to even go to the loo, WTF is up with that, everything is a sin, EVERYTHING, she is sorry for every move she makes, its really driving me insane, we keep telling her, an accident is just that, an accident, why you saying sorry and fretting about it, we keep saying, its your house, just go the fucking loo already, stop asking us for permission, she needs to clarify and justify her every move with us, im really ready to explode, her fears are ten time more bizarre and irrational than they ever where, she is going slowly round the bend, and there is nothing that I can do, ive tried everything, ive begged every single service I can for help to the point that I rang social workers in tears and begged for them to help us.

They are giving her counselling sessions once a week, her local NYP have stepped into the rescue, they can see all I have been describing and they are starting basic social skills with her and will talk to social workers about further help for her, the social workers trying to get her speech and language quicker that their willing to give it, at last something is better than nothing.  We are struggling a bit with her but she’s still the best kid in the world so that makes it easier.  I also got told that the Doc ROGERS accusation had been investigated through the social workers visits and chats to us and they found no evidence to support his accusation and that they where happy to report that Crazy Jane is at he securest and happiest when at home with her family, so FUCK you doc Rogers, can you hear my engine revving up, run fat boy run lol na only in my dreams and taught but I will get him in court   :P

part 33 whats better than loving one daughter ?? well loving 2 of corse

Hi guys

Hi guys, it’s been so so long since I last blogged, been so so busy gallivanting and living a little.  I have had the best few months taking a break from being in the hole scratchers elite wrestling ring, and you know what, I bloody needed it.

I dragged my hubby and daughter crazy Jane off to Rome for a 4 day mini break.  We had a great time and actually got to do that thing I hear you all talk about, sleep, yes I slept, now I know why you all rave about it so much lol, it was as wonderful as you made it sound lol.

So over the last few months you know I won a major battle with the elite services regarding crazy, now I still have major battles ahead and have refreshed enough to start wrestling them again and giving it welly to a person or two and I actually cant wait to give it to them lol but I have also revisited decisions I made a few years ago.

Before Lunatic john was born I decided to fulfil a life long dream I’ve had since I was a very young girl, but then Lunatic John came along and put it in the not for now pile.  I have always regretted not having a child closer in age to Crazy Jane, I should have and was always the plan but she was just too hard to manage that introducing a child to either one of us would have been so unfair all round.  Before Lunatic was born I again wanted to add to our family but the surprise of being pregnant with him was enough to be taking on for that time. 

 I have decided to adopt a child from a country I have great friends from and great respect for Brazil.   I will of Corse be hoping to adopt a young girl aged between 7 and 9 years of age, why because I can get pregnant, I can have babies, I have had the good fortune of doing both, there are couples who cannot and a baby is the perfect age for them to adopt.  I on the other hand, have decided that I’m done with babies and toddlers; I have a lot of love to give and time to devote to an older child with the experience and training to support this age group.  My daughter will have a sister close to her age which she has always dreamed of and our family dynamic will not change, Crazy the oldest, our beautiful new addition the second oldest, Mr Fab the middle child and Lunatic the youngest, PERFECT.  I will also have my dream 4 children of 2 boys and 2 girls, again PERFECT.

Now of Corse, its not all perfect, as I have to do courses, be assessed and valuated, my personal, family and marriage life ripped to shreds by social workers to judge us, make the decision on if we can adopt for us blab bla and of Corse, just to add to the stress, the recent referral Doc Prick made to Social regarding me and Crazy will undoubtedly cause us no ends of stress, heart ache and just annoyance, but can I take it on, haha sure I can, its me after all.

So I’m off to Brazil to hand over all of my personal documents, cert’s, qualifications, bank details, photos, references etc in November to get ball rolling brazil side, sometimes it’s the country your adopting from who hold it all up and delay it, but I’m hoping to jump that gun at least, you know me, over organised and on the ball, it’s the only way to be lol

So that’s my news, I’m really looking forward to Brazil and dreading visiting their local children’s homes as I’ll find it hard to leave those children behind me and will probably try smuggle them all out lol but yea that will kill me, I’m not sure how prepared I am for this part of it all, I’m not one for leaving a pet shop empty handed, can you imagine a children’s home, It will kill me.

But in the mean time I’m learning all I can, preparing all I can, contacting all I can, and redesigning Crazy’s room to fit my 2 beautiful daughters, I know I’m going to have a 2/3 year wait for her, but I want everything to be perfect for when she is here with us.  Thankfully I have 2 cousins with adopted overseas children and there is adoption from my hubby’s side too so we are well prepared with a lot of support.

My friends and family are hugely supporting my decision and are excited about it all, especially my mum.  I have people so happy to write references for us and one came through the door this morning from a woman I hugely respect, it really said all I could wish to hear about myself  and my family in her reference and I am just overwhelmed by it,

And just in time, the winter vomiting bug has hit the house, lovely, a few pounds dropped for my hols without even trying and a good week before I fly out, bliss

But if only the room didn’t spin when I stood up and the loo wasn’t my best friend right now be even better, paracetamol and motilium anyone, I have plenty J)

part 32 my fabulous kids alive again

ALIVE AGAIN

In my last blog I sounded so down and out, even I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I was just on an all time low, WHY? I forgot how to live for a while I think.

I like my 3 kids have a mild disability, I have an actual diagnosis of ADD with ODD type behaviours (possibly had the disorder as a teenager but grew to control it but still got traits of it) I have a constant need to be out of my house doing something, my brain is permanently thinking of projects to get started on, some never completed but also never forgotten and some I do till the bitter end with amazing results.  I’m very driven and passionate about all I do and I never give up, this can be a god send but also a curse.

When I met DH almost 17 years ago we immediately fell in love, it was so quick, we where engaged after 4 months and buying our first house and planning our beautiful baby girl crazy Jane.  I would not change a thing to this day, my husband is the most amazing guy you could meet but we struggled to cope with each other’s ways, on paper we really should not work but we do.   He actually calmed me down and although we both have the need to argue our point to the death and we are both as stubborn as they come we work, but only through long battles and learning slowly over the years to compromise to finish the battle.  But he also recognised that I have an ability to do and succeed at anything I put my mind to, I only got this praise and encouragement from him as I did not get it as a child, through no fault of anyone only circumstances and hard life with all involved.  I don’t blame anyone I just recognise the issues and understand it, but this took years of trying. 

My husband is quiet and so laid back, I am hyperactive and impulsive; we are two very different people.  I have learned to respect the fact my husband is not a night clubbing, do something on a whim type of guy, and he has learned that I am LOL so in order for us to work he lets me do my thing and I let him do his thing, its just the way it is as neither one of us will ever change EVER lol There is a draw back as I always look like my marriage is in trouble at family weddings when he’s not with me or when he is and  its 2 am, I’m still wanting to carry on partying and he just wants his bed, lets just say his facial expressions tell all and hide nothing, I call him the hulk as you can see when he’s at his exploding limit.  But if I’m honest I wouldn’t change him as then we really just would not work otherwise.

Anyways for the last 13 years I’ve been fighting

RECAP: Met my hubby, mortgage application, baby making but no baby, tests, heart ache, struggles, new house, pregnant, horrid pregnancy, my gorgeous baby girl, hell as she is an insomniac, projectile vomiter, hyperactive head case, new house, play school probs with crazy Jane, she’s as odd as two left feet, grrrrrr still odd and so difficult, new mortgage almost killed us, Jane calmer but stranger, yay school, grrrr no not yay school but ugh school, problems raised, hard struggles with her, worried about her, wedding plan stress, wedding, new baby plans, some hitches, pregnant, threatened miscarriage, pregnancy issues raised, heart ache, beautiful baby Mr. fabulous, autism, county move and new mortgage, school issues for crazy, new school, still issues for crazy, Mr. fabulous diagnosed, hse enough said, and the rest as you all know its just been horrendous stress and never a let up EVER

I got trapped in problems, they consumed me, they took over my life, they where crushing me and near killing me.  I never stopped fighting or gave up but it damn near killed me.  I was dying slowly inside.  So many years of stress, heart ache, fears, worries, guilt, fighting, trauma, shock and depression that I can safely say I was dying inside. 

I NEED RESPITE so badly or I will be no use to anyone or anything, if I so much as drop my guard and give up, its game over for my kids, I cant and wont let this happen.  I will be fighting for my crazies for the rest of their lives and right now I need to fight for me first to get the strength to continue their fight.

So what am I going to do

Well on a whim I flew to Rome with another friend who is as mental as I used to be, we then went to Florence, Venice, Switzerland and to Milan and home.  Why because we could.  I felt alive again for a while, it was just about fun, being spontaneous, and stress free and I didn’t realise I needed it till I went.  I had a great time and it was just an adrenalin rush through and through.  I was gutted my husband wasn’t with me and I did miss my kids but realised more than ever that I needed the head space to reclaim my brain and train of taught so I could come home stronger to fight even harder for them.  I have also just booked an 11 day holiday to Brazil with the same nut job friend for just pure out and out adrenalin rush to just boost me up to keep going.  I am also going to book a nice calm holiday to Rome with my hubby and Crazy Jane as they will love it there and my poor hubby needs some out and out time as well, he refuses to acknowledge it and is plodding along every day but he too is in this same bubble and stress as me, ok he deals with it better but he’s the hulk, not superman, he needs to reboot him self as well. 

I am so blessed that I have a hubby who realised I needed this before I even did.  He had nothing but encouragement for me to do this and was just so happy for me to get the opportunity to do it, which to me says everything about my relationship with my husband, about the love we have for each other and about the trust and respect we have for each other.  We have been through hell that would separate the strongest of couples, but were still here, still in love and still as strong and happy as we ever where. 

I plan to make sure my family has memories of happiness as well as hard ships from now on, we will always have memories of the tough times, they get permanently stamped into you brain, you cant help but remember them, but the happy memories sometimes get lost and stored to the back of the pile, it should not be this way, and I plan to make sure from now on that the happy memories start taking over the miserable ones and soon push their way to the start of the pile.  My husband and kids deserve better and happier memories, and I plan to make sure they get them. 

So to my hubby, I love you and have never had a day where I didn’t love you, you are my everything and I couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t ever wish for anything more or less from you as you have given me everything in life I could ever wish for, but truly my kids are the best gift in my life so I need nothing more.  I just hope that I too can give to you all you have given to me and more, as you deserve it, you are amazing and I am so blessed to have found you, but I knew I loved you before I met you, and I really do think I dreamed you into life, just as our wedding song says lol

I am somewhat alive again; just a few more adrenalin rushes then god help all who stand in my kid’s way, I’m ready and waiting, bring it